Can there be a person who exhibits *assertive submission*? I believe so.
A submissive, by nature, is highly regarded if they can express themselves in a humble and soft fashion; however, it’s important that they get their needs met too. If their needs are to be met, they must have the ability to be assertive in communication. Many submissive’s find this task to be difficult and instead decide to be passive-agressive, agressive or passive. This is where the wise dominant steps in to guide the submissive in the right direction. If the dominant does not have the tools to assist the submissive, she will: 1. seek out and learn the knowledge with or separately from the submissive; and/or 2. forward the submissive to capable materials, persons or courses.
Being assertive includes ensuring that your rights as a human being are not being violated and abused in an unhealthy way. Now in our world, submissive’s are often violated & abused; however, in this world that I condone – it is known that consensual and healthy BDSM is what we strive for. Therefore, in the end, we do not want the spirit of the submisive to truly feel that they are not respected and have no rights as a valuable person within the relationship.
A person will exhibit a range of behaviours but will most likely settle on one that is natural or intrinsic to them. I believe this is the cause of nature; one’s upbringing that has formed the way a person communicates.
What many dominant’s are unable to see is that a submissive can be assertive, agressive, passive and passive-agressive and still have the desire and intent to be submissive. This is the oxymoron and the difficulty in relating with a submissive who is not assertive.
Please see below for definitions of assertive, agressive, passive and passive-agressive.
Definitions of Behaviour
Assertive: The root cause of assertive behaviour is confidence. An assertive person ensures that your rights are not violated or abused. They also ensure that you do not violate or abuse other’s rights. Helping other’s take their rights in order for them not to be abused or violated is also a part of being an assertive person. They exhibit behaviours of: calm and rational thought and speech; listening first and talking second when confronted with a difficult situation; standing up for themselves and others in a clear and concise way; most likely not offering excuses for their assertive actions; the ability to say no in a diplomatic way; etc.
Agressive: The root causes of agressive behaviour are: insecurity, fear or hurt feelings. It is rare that it’s out of pure frustration and hatred. Agressive people take other’s rights without consent. They won’t concern themselves if other’s are taking their rights. They might help another to take their rights but will in turn take them away as they relate with the person they were trying to help. They will pounce on the passive. They exhibit the behaviours of: yelling; intimidating speech and stance; swearing; physical & emotional violence; withdrawal of anything the other person wants; they are only able to see their view; etc..
Passive: The root cause of passive behaviour is fear. They have difficulty surviving on their own. In other words – they do not have the strength to protect their rights and hope that other’s will do so for them. They exhibit the most sensitive behaviours such as crying on a moment’s notice; feeling down on themselves; feeling unworthy; recognizeable low self esteem(all other behaviours except for “assertive” have low self esteem but it’s not readily recognizeable); etc..
Passive-agressive: The root cause of passive-agressive behaviour is fear with an uprising of aggression because no one else is protecting them and they can’t protect themselves since they do not have the behaviour of assertiveness. This is the most difficult style to relate to as the behaviours fluctuate. Bobbing from one style to another style in a moment’s notice. It’s difficult to find truth in such a person as their passive side will hide the it and their agressive side will lie to protect it. In fact this is most difficult and stressful to the passive-agressive person as they are most often not aware that they are behaving in this way. It’s their way to getting their agressive feelings out in an indirect way. Their only way of expressing themselves. There is another way though – through assertiveness. They exhibit behaviours of: lying to themselves which in turn becomes a lie to another; acting out but pretending they didn’t; not offering information; crying, then screaming; then yelling; then crying; and then saying “it’s all your fault”; withdrawal; etc.
(c) 2001 Lady Sun http://www.lady-sun.com
Originally posted 2010-11-15 08:55:38.