A short extract from an essay by Laura Goodwin:
Not all, but certainly most of the heterosexual dominant women I’ve known want a guy who’s got a lot on the ball. They want to be impressed, and BTW, they want to be made to feel special: to be courted. Sub males have a slightly different script to follow when courting a dominant woman, but it’s not *that* different. …
It is important to be honest about your strengths and weaknesses, if she asks, but keep a *little* mystery, will ya? Don’t dump your whole life story, especially in your first conversation/letter. You are trying to get to know her a little, and let her get to know you. If you get a clear, unmistakable sign from her that to her you could possibly be more than a friend, _and_ if you like her, *then* you turn on the charm and do your darnedest to win her over.
Lots of men and women who meet through ads or S/M support groups make the mistake of rushing off to have dinner together. This is wrong. First, take a walk together. If that doesn’t quickly become tiresome, then you may get coffee, even lunch together. Then you stop! Then you go home! Send her a note of thanks for the fine company, call on the phone to ask if you may visit again, and leave it up to her. If she doesn’t encourage you, give up!
Whole essay: Courting A Dominant Woman
By Mistress Evils
Every day that I’m online, I am accosted by a bevy of HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks) who idiotically assume that, because I’m a dominant female, I must exist only to get them off and play-act with them. Sheesh! It’s beginning to really piss me off. I got so fed up that I decided to make a long list of complaints/advice about how to talk to Dominant Women: how to behave and succeed in actually impressing Us. Read at your own peril. Tremble in fear if you recognize these inferior qualities in yourself, and take this as your queue towards a little self-improvement.
1. It’s a pain in the ass when HNG’s who want nothing more than to talk about their fantasies, their desires, what their erection-guage is reading, what they need or want in a Dominant Female, contact me out of the clear blue AND THEY EXPECT US TO ACCOMMODATE THEM ON THE SPOT! If you are a sub male, you NEED to start realizing that this dynamic is NOT ALL ABOUT YOU; Femdom is about HER NEEDS, HER PLEASURE, HER CONVENIENCE… and YOUR ability (or lack thereof) to accomodate HER. Hate to break it to you, but there are a LOT more male subs in the world than there are Dominant Females, and if you, as a “sub” are clearly interested solely in your own gratification — know that if you won’t tow the line, there are plenty of others who will gladly do so. Remember We don’t *have* to talk to you — conversing with Us is a privilege and should be revered as such. You want someone to get you off? You want someone to give you instant gratification? Go to a professional who can be paid to deal with your one-sided bullshit. Buy a blow-up doll. Ask your *wife* (you know, the one that “doesn’t exist” when you’re playing D/s games with online strangers) to give you a cheap li’l thrill.
2. BE PATIENT!! Do you know how many HNG’s we Females have to fend off before finding *one* worthy conversationalist in the lot? I’ll give you a hit… a whole bunch. Sending someone an IM every 30 seconds (“r u there?” “r u there?” “hey, u there?” “guess you don’t wanna talk.” “still there?” “helloooooooo?” “:( ” ) is NOT going to make her respond any faster. Lack of patience does not get you far in the Femdom world.
3. Chatting with me = MY opportunity to question YOU, not the other way around. I have all of my vital information contained within my profile (as do most smart Dommes); if you are smart, you will have read Her profile before contacting her, and will have decided that you *want* to talk before even contacting Her. It’s easy to see who HASN’T read it (like when you start asking questions that are already answered within it — shame on you) and We’ll probably not bother with you any further. Our time is precious and I loathe repeating myself, so a show of respect is appreciated (actually, required).
4. Stop asking Us for pictures — practically EVERY HNG that I talk to will ask, beg, plead for more pictures! Some Dommes don’t mind a request like this if you *get to know them* first — but for goodness’s sake, don’t just expect it like you’re on the VIP list. Simply put, I enjoy my anonymity, thus I’m not willing to show anything extra to random strangers. Asking once will get you a polite “no,” but asking twice will get you permanently ignored and totally laughed at.
5. Stop asking Us for ANYTHING that We refuse to give: pics of various body parts, cam sessions, phone calls, playing with total strangers IRL, online “collaring.” Some Dommes may be interested in these things; I am not. Repeatedly making the same requests over and over, expecting/convincing me to change my mind, “aww come on” type statements, attempting to trade/bargain for them, or passive-aggressive pouting in the face of a polite “no” will get you nowhere with me — it only makes you look like a manipulative asshole.
6. Be respectful to your chattin’ buddy. The minute you start trying to cyber with me (or be inappropriate in any other way) is the minute I laugh at you and click “ignore.” Hell, I may even include a link to your profile from my blog. With enough people, I could get a really fun “Wall of Shame” going here!
What We DO like… Honest, decent humans who like to exchange ideas and advice about the scene and technique. Friendly folks who understand what common courtesy and respect mean. People who respect Our rules and Our privacy… as We respect those of others.
Don’t like it? Don’t chat.
From The Domain of Mistress Evils: Etiquette for Chatting With a Dominant Woman
He’s not a bad guy but not the man you are looking for. How do you kindly reject a submissive male?
I’ve just started dating (if that’s the word) submissives again, and I seem to have forgotten how to say “No, thank you” gracefully. In most cases, the person wants to know why I’m not interested and I’m not sure what to say. Most seem to assume it’s because they aren’t submissive enough, but it’s really because they aren’t funny or bright or interesting to be with outside the roles. Obviously, I don’t want to say (and they don’t want to hear), “You’re a great sub, but you’re kind of boring and dumb as a human being.” Any suggestions? I’m getting tired of saying “It’s not you, it’s me. I guess I’m just not ready.”
Turning Down Hopeful Subs
By Lady Julia
DH Lawrence said, “And what’s romance? Usually, a nice little tale where you have everything As You Like It, where rain never wets your jacket and gnats never bite your nose and it’s always daisy-time. “
Not only is romance often viewed through the eyes of flowery literature, we’ve also been socialized to believe that it can be purchased. Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, Birthdays… all “special” days designated for the presentation of a romantic gesture. Advertisers spend untold amounts assuring us that we can guarantee that our loved one feel special – for the bargain price of $99.99 (you fill in the actual number).
So what of romance? Is it simply a nice little myth or a commercialized venture? I don’t believe so, I think (as with many things in life) we just need to readjust the labels in our minds just a bit. Tweak things, so to speak.
I enjoy the “special days” as much as anyone, but I’ve come to realize that the most special day- the most romantic day – is the day in which we are, the greatest gifts we can give can’t be purchased, and that actions do speak louder than words. If we’re honest with ourselves, most of us would admit that deep inside we have an intense desire to feel special. We want to know that someone cares so much for us and values our presence in their lives to such a degree that, on a regular basis, their actions tell us and the world how much we mean to them.
What actions speak “romance” to me? What makes me feel special?
My list certainly isn’t conclusive, but in composing it, it helped reaffirm my belief. Yes, romance is alive and well and truly does exist. We just have to know where to look.
This is the first of two articles by Lady Julia on romancing a Domme. The rest can be found on her Dominance and Submission Articles page.
Inferior Malesub Scum
Though I’m not able to keep track as much as I used to I’m still convinced there is one substantial barrier to submissive men establishing any sort of relationship with dominant women that they could easily correct by simply adjusting their perceptions and consequent behavior.
- Don’t write a woman and tell her how you are an inferior creature fit only for female control.
- Don’t tell a dominant woman that you want to be some sort of dehumanized slave.
- Don’t try to sell a female top on your value by boasting that you don’t deserve any rights or freedom.
Why would any woman want to burden her life with a worthless man. Or spend time with someone who is really inferior. Or has so little self-respect he wants to be deprived of every last iota of liberty.
An experience female top knows the man can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.
You may masturbate to being told you are worthless because you are a man. But women don’t.
If you want to meet a dominant woman tell her why you are worth knowing as a man. Then she can decide if she wants to have power over you.
Originally posted 2012-10-05 05:13:47.
Terms like Domme and Submissive Require Context
You may be a parent but not everyone is your child.
You may be the president of a company but not everyone in the world is your employee.
When seeking to establish dialogue with strangers about D/s, ( – LFA, FLR, S&M – ) focus on the essentials. How dominance and submission fit into your romantic life.
And your general humanness and personality.
Leave secondary issues like titles and extremely minor matters like capitalization protocol until a meaningful conversation is established.
You are a dominant or submissive person only in relationship to specific people. Not to the human race at large. Don’t think in terms of honorifics and power exchange etiquette until there is a real connection between you and the person you are talking to.
Focus on being one person communicating with another.
Originally posted 2011-01-18 14:06:11.
I’m going to let you in on a Startling Femdom Secret!
MsX with whom I was exchanging a few emails wrote:
Sometimes I’m so tired of these labels (a sentiment I *know* you sympathise with). I just want to find someone who I enjoy and am attracted to, who is able to commit and communicate – and who feels the same about me
The secret? It has taken countless hours of research, reading weblogs by dominant women, visiting F/m forums.
There are plenty of dominant women looking for the right partner. Partner may seem too neutral a word but each is variously looking for a submissive or perhaps a slave. BDSM might be only now and then, a bit every evening or some form of lifestyle D/s. Or just a play partner. But I’m thinking of the women looking for a kinky boyfriend or lover.
Each dominant woman is as individual as any woman. But she has special needs that can make even her search more complicated than the norm.
You can read my How to Woo a Domme Online but I’ll give you a concentrated dose of advice.
Don’t invent forum names like pantyworm4u. She’d rather hear from Fred. Or a guy who’s handle reflects a non-fetish interest or is a clever joke.
Don’t PM or IM her saying “want u 2 crush my nuts” and certainly not “want u 2 crush my nuts while I sing the Star Spangled Banner and you wear a maroon miniskirt.”
Even if you are looking for a short-term kink playmate that isn’t the way to approach someone who is supposed to hold the power.
Much less a woman who for some reason decided that she is a person and would like to meet the same.
Fill out your profile dammit! And try to say more than “I’m a sissy painwhore who likes to do housework.” Well, if you are really keen on sweeping floors that might be OK. (Heck you can write to me: I hate housework.) Mention your interests and hobbies (which hopefully exceed watching television).
The essence is: be a person, be as polite as you are in real life (and if need be learn some manners). Treat her like a person.
Or hire a professional. She may not be interested in you but may take lively pleasure in spending your money.
Given that dominant women are uncommon it is mighty surprising that good submissive men can be hard for some – nice, kind, smart – women to find.
Go and sin no more! Or rather sin the right way.
This could go on forever. Share your suggestions, tales of woe or funny stories.
Originally posted 2012-05-27 05:30:11.
Dominant kinky women willing to be perverted to forbidden sex fantasies!
For many men female domination is the splendid stuff of fantasies. A man wanks to dreams of powerful and cruel women who hurt and humiliates him. Orgasm achieved the images go back into a mental toybox to be retrieved the next time he plays with himself.
Other men seek an actual and tangible submission to dominant women. Many aspirant male submissives confuse their wishes with a dominant woman’s desires.
There is no submission in expecting a dominant woman to conform to a checklist. She is the one who takes control, who decides.
Even smart and empathetic but inexperienced submissive men don’t necessarily anticipate what an individual female top will want. How much less do a man drunk on his nocturnal whims.
If you are looking you must empty your minds, become mindful and attentive. It is the necessary first step to meeting a Mistress.
My ex, Alexandra, described her first date with a submissive guy:
When we met I have to admit I was pretty nervous, a sort of mild stage-fright, combined with the worry that he might be some kind of psycho who would turn on me at a later stage. He picked me up at the designated point on time, and I found we got on well in person.
The nervousness dissipated when we arrived at his house. I entered the living room to find the shoes he had bought for me (and let’s face it – for himself) lined up with mechanical precision on the center rug. I smiled inwardly and sat down to try them on.
He conveniently left a flogger (which I erroneously thought of as a whip) near the sofa and holding it gave me a reassuring feeling. It may take a while to fully surface, but knowing the dominant feeling was there within me was satisfying.
Coming Out with R
Originally posted 2011-01-03 04:07:43.