If you are the head of a female led relationship how much does your dominance pervade the life you share with your husband or boyfriend.
Do you feel he requires – as opposed to desires – considerable control, like a child, a brat?
Originally posted 2009-01-13 14:59:07.
(Left as a comment on one of my other blogs. One day I’m going to dig out the best of what he’s written and post it here. Shouldn’t be left hidden and buried.)
Ideal Mistress: I’ll know Her when I see Her, at least I think so. But the problem is that I’ve been disappointed so many times, I begin to doubt that She even exists in the real world. However, hope keeps me going.
Real problem is, you don’t know until you try — at least a little experience — and you have to invest time and emotional capital in the experiment. Nevertheless, the list, if only to clarify one’s thinking.
Intelligent, able to think things through so She doesn’t get either of us into a hole we can’t escape. Basically, She should know when the limit has arrived, before the safeword can be spoken: that is to say, trustworthy. Safewords, like parachutes, should be for unexpected emergencies, not for pilot error.
She must need to dominate as much as I need to submit; we should fit together like spooning in bed, on all levels. Truth to tell, a little switching now and then, if only for educational purposes, isn’t a bad idea — but not too much of that, either. Variety is spicy in all realms of life.
A sense of humor, so She doesn’t take it all too damn seriously. It’s a game, like tennis, bridge or chess: while in the zone, you play hard and try to beat (!) your mate, but then you declare an end and go back to real, if vanilla, life for a while, until it’s time for a rematch.
(At the same time, it isn’t a battle: while in domspace or slavespace, one plays the role honestly. As Her slave, I truly believe that I must serve, submit and suffer. And as Owner, She expects it and enjoys being pampered and worshiped — and does not hesitate to use the whip if Her slave does not stay in character.)
Clever and imaginative, so She can invent new variants on the basic theme. One nice little trick: inverse psychology, or the Br’er Rabbit syndrome: “Please, Mistress, not the cat, please!” “How dare you talk back to Me, dog! Twenty lashes with the cat, then, not ten, and you will thank Me after each one.” (It’s a form of topping from the bottom, yes, but She has the option of doing whatever She pleases, regardless of what Her slave says.)
Physically and mentally able to appreciate all the pleasure that a truly selfish Mistress can demand of Her slave, without worrying about hurting his feelings or making him resentful. That includes the pleasure of making him suffer as entertainment for Her — in other words, She should be a rational sadist, if I may coin the term: intelligent enough (I said that already) to know how far to go, and brave enough to go there, knowing I’m right with Her.
Oh, yes, and I hope She doesn’t mind wearing stiletto-heel boots and allowing me (note: not demanding or screaming, but graciously permitting Her slave to serve) to lick them to a high polish. Flat-heel boots are almost as good, but there’s something about a 5” stiletto heel! And please, Mistress, if this slave does not perform to Your satisfaction, use Your whip to train me.
I don’t know about the cuckold angle: that gets beyond the limits, I think, for me, because it ruins the relationship. Maybe an occasional affair, but not getting carried away. And it’s hard to stop for some people. Nor do I feel comfortable with an actual sale to another Owner, for whom I don’t have the same committed devotion.
These, like permanent and really serious mutilation, are for fiction, not life.
Discreet. That’s the only way to make sure some blue-nosed busybody doesn’t mess it all up. Rich wouldn’t hurt either, but that may be too much to expect in a practical sense. The last criterion is the one most of us think of first: Beautiful. I see so many absolutely stunning Ladies walking around, and I’m sure that fewer than 1% probably could meet all these expectations and hopes. Even the on-line beauties (I can’t begin to list them, but every man has a portfolio in his head) probably come up short in real life.
Yet still we dream, and some day, we may find the Goddess who fulfills 90%, and go for it, using our well-exercised imaginations to gloss over the other 10%. Just maybe, She will be pleased to change a tiny bit to become, after all, The Perfect Mistress and Ideal Dominant. As RLS famously wrote, “what’s a heaven for?”
It amazes me why so many sub men seem to think that their Mistress should only have him as her property. Do they not understand that once they are collared, they are her property. One would not expect her to own more than one chair, therefore they should not expect her to own more than one male. How many males should a woman own? The answer is simple, as many as she wants, or feels she needs. I own four, all live in my home. One is my sissy housemaid, the others have high paying jobs, their salaries going into my bank account. This allows me to live in a lifestyle that as a superior woman I am entitled to. I am not legally married to any of them. All are locked in chastity. Sexual pleasure is for me only, not for them. They service me orally. They know that their only reason to exist is to serve me in any way I choose.
The Dominatrix Bitch Stereotype
don’t think there’s anything incongruous about being nice/fair/laid back and being domly. I don’t think it’s necessary to be bossy or bitchy. It’s fine if that’s how one is or how one likes to play, but if that’s not how one is (or likes to play) I don’t see any reason to put that persona on.
Bitchy just isn’t my style (which is not to say I don’t get bitchy, it’s just not a scene or d/s dynamic I enjoy – it’s the “bad day at work” kind of bitchy). In my first domly experiences I thought bitchy/cruel/demanding was what doms were, and I tried to be that, but it just made me uncomfortable. I’m generally pretty laid back. I found out pretty early on that fellows who like to be forced or who had a “cruel dominatrix” kink were not good matches for me. It did shake my nearly-nonexistent confidence in my domliness that so many fellows I met had this kink, and I just wasn’t comfortable going there. Thing was, if I was with a guy who wanted me to be the bitch-dom or who wanted me to force him to submit, my desire to be domly with that guy just evaporated. I started seriously questioning whether I was domly at all. It felt right in my head, but it sure wasn’t working out that way in actual practice.
Along the way I met some fellows who did not have the kink for force or “cruel dom”, and things started to gel. I discovered that there were fellows out there who responded well to my style, and that willing (even enthusiastic) submission pushed all the right buttons for me, and with these guys I was very domly indeed.
IMHO, seeming dour, supercilious or bitchy isn’t better. For the record, in my experience dominants who act like domineering assholes don’t represent what enlightened dominant men and women aspire to be. Most of the dominant women and men that I’ve seen at play parties or at the conventions, etc. seem to all be trying to be nice, like I am. They reserve their bully behavior for private scenes in the dungeon, as do I.
I do not let myself get pushed around. I’m fully capable of taking command, and I often do it with a smile on my face. That’s my style. I like to play with people who like my style, so I act like myself instead of some stupid porno stereotype. This way, if they don’t like my style, they know right away to stay the hell out of my life.
I’m not a bully, I’m not a whore, I’m not Xena, and I’m not royalty on holiday. Acting like any of these feels very phony to me and I won’t be doing it. Besides, it’s not necessary to ever be posturing. Plenty of tops never do it and they get along just fine.
There are lots of subs who seem to think a dominant should act bossy all the time to be believable, but they’re clueless. Don’t let ignorant subs pressure you into playacting for them. If you want to be theatrical because that comes natural for you, then that’s different. I get theatrical when I play, but I certainly don’t live that way.
(From an old Usenet discussion)
Originally posted 2011-01-28 11:34:43.
A Submissive Man Like a Pet
Years ago a dominant woman wrote:
With D/s being such a new concept for me and with only my imagination to help me develop what that lifestyle could mean for me, lots and lots of thoughts have crossed my mind. As posted in my delurk, I’ve made a lot of major changes in my life over the past six months or so. I’ve begun dating but it’s not as much fun as I remember it being 15 years or so ago. That’s probably because of my higher standards in what I’m looking for in a partner; a submissive partner. So here’s a thought that occurred to me one afternoon while running my dogs at the nearby regional park. At this, the loneliest time of my life, my dogs are my truest companions. I was thinking that if I could find a submissive man with the traits that my dogs possess, and a few of the more obvious ones, of course , I’d be one happy camper! Think about it, they’re cute and cuddly, for starters. The 120 pound 15 month old Shep/Rott often sleeps with me and even though it’s a tight fit in a single bed, it’s comforting having a warm body there. If he’s not in my bed, he’s lying on the floor next to me or in the doorway. My other dog is a 12-year-old lab mix who is the most obedient and loyal dog you will ever know. For the sake of good storytelling, I will combine their traits into one character.
He greets me in the morning by nuzzling my face and showing genuine enthusiasm for whatever attention I can muster at 4:30 AM. He watches intently as I get ready for work. He even asks for a little toothpaste to freshen his breath! His eyes express his complete sorrow at the realization that I’ll be gone for the day — again. I feed him, rub his ears, scratch his belly and give him fresh water before I leave for a grueling day at work. He sends me off with a lick on my hand and walks me to my car.
He’s always excited to see me at the end of the day. He greets me at the back gate with a hug and kiss (well, he jumps up on me and licks my face – close enough!). He nuzzles my hand as I walk through the back yard. He gets something for me to toss so we can play for a bit. We truly relish one another’s company. His devotion wipes away any stress I’ve endured through my workday. He never holds a grudge from a previous disagreement.
He lies at my feet while I check my e-mail and catch up on reading SSB. I reach down and rub his ears and pat his head. I find him so irresistible at times, that I lay on the floor next to him and just cuddle and rub his belly. He likes to be patted with a good amount of force on his lower back just at his tail. OK, he likes a good spanking, what’s wrong with that?!? He likes his nose rubbed and his ears massaged. He likes a fair amount of rough play and I’m eager to give him that.
He’ll do tricks for me when I offer a reward. He does tricks even when I don’t offer a reward. And he always eats my cooking without a single complaint!
I reward his loyalty and unconditional love with trips to a nearby wilderness area for an afternoon of running without his leash and collar. I toss the ball and he brings it back. I toss the ball again and again and again. He brings it back every time and nuzzles my hand as a sincere thank you for this time we have together.
He plays in the snow as I shovel. Sometimes he goes with me in the car when I run errands. Other times, I leave him tied up in the yard or locked in his kennel.
On occasion, this boy won’t do as he’s told so I must discipline him and although it’s difficult for me to hurt him either physically or verbally, I also understand that this is the only way for him to learn how to be a better dog. He chose to ignore my verbal commands yesterday at the park and was even bodacious enough to growl as I administered his discipline. His defiance though turned to sweet submission once he recognized I wouldn’t be frightened by his attempt at intimidation and he dutifully climbed into the back of the van.
At a recent visit to the vet, he misbehaved quite arrogantly and the vet sold me on a special collar to help keep him under control. The collar is designed in a figure-8 to apply pressure on the bridge of his nose and on his neck, right behind his ears. This pressure is similar to that applied by a pack leader to other members of the pack to demonstrate dominance. When I put this collar on him, I have a completely submissive animal under my complete, yet loving, control. It’s such a simple, yet effective tool.
He is by my side almost constantly when I am at home and he misses me terribly when I am away. He never fails to respond when I call his name either by coming to me or just wagging his tail. He’s sleeping next to me right now and as I call his name, his tail pounds on the floor with glee at that small bit of attention.
When I’m sad, he offers his big furry shoulder to cry on. He holds his paw out for me to hold. He licks my tear soaked face. He offers more comfort without ever uttering a single word than any human I’ve ever known. He barks at would-be trespassers and scares them off. I believe this boy would die for me.
In return for his unconditional love and devotion, I provide him with a safe environment to live and play in, all the food he can eat, special biscuit treats, fresh water, toys to play with, and I tend to his emotional and medical needs. I clean up the yard every week so he has a fresh place to make a mess . And I return his unconditional love and devotion without a moment’s hesitation.
Save for the obvious shortcomings, my dog is my perfect companion and possesses _most_ of the qualities I seek in a submissive partner. I hate when women say that men are dogs and mean it in a nasty context! I love men AND I love dogs! I plan to spend the rest of my life with them!
(From an ancient Usenet posting.)
Mistress: The most common honorific for the head of a female led relationship. A submissive man’s Mistress is the arbiter, decider, ruler of his life Controls his behavior including his sexuality. The guides him with tenderness and discipline. He repays her with obedience adoration and love. He worships her as teh focus of his life.
More drawings of dominant women by Leone Frollo.
Amity Harris has been a well-known treasure within the D/s community for years. Her explanation of female dominance remains a classic. An excerpt:
A FemDom relationship is intensely intimate. Inside this relationship, both the woman and submissive find caring, intense emotional exchange and validation of each other. I’ve said many times that a submissive man on his knees is one of the most beautiful and powerful mental images for me to behold. Even though a woman may demand that which satisfies her, a simple caress of her partner’s hair or cheek speaks volumes about the intense intimacy of this type of relationship.
When your partner is on his knees, even if only in his daydreams, he is begging silently for a woman’s strong hand to guide and lead him and the thought of that woman’s touch is arousing to him. However, he doesn’t want just any woman’s touch; he wants yours. Expressing the secrets in his soul is something painfully difficult to do without the assurance that the woman on the other side of the relationship will accept it and value it as a treasured gift.
Women learning about female domination must remember that your partner will be sharing his innermost secrets and longings with you. It’s up to you to value and cherish the trust he is placing in your hands.
What Does Female Domination Mean?
Originally posted 2010-12-28 20:23:03.
10 Simple Rules for a Wise Dominant
By Lady Jade
1. The submissive’s SAFETY will always be of top priority to a wise Dominant, both physically and emotionally.
2. ALWAYS respect and honor a submissive’s safe word and never put him or her in a position to be afraid to use it.
3. Just as submission is a gift to be treasured, Domination is a talent to be mastered so BE educated and experienced at dominating BEFORE you take on the responsibility of another’s life.
4. Don’t be too arrogant to be able to listen and understand your submissive’s viewpoints and needs. You might just learn something from them. After all communication is the foundation of a strong D/s relationship and can not be obtained if it is all one sided.
5. Never punish a submissive by withholding your affection, this is emotional blackmail.
6. Provide guidance and support when needed and stay tuned into your submissive’s moods. In return you will gain a submissive that is eager to please and serve you because they feel of value.
7. Provide your submissive with negotiated guidelines to stay with in and when the submissive steps out of those guidelines CONSISTENTLY apply punishment.
8. Understand that just as a submissive’s trust must be earned so must a Dominant earn a submissive’s trust. This does not undermine your control but strengthens it.
9. Enjoy and use what is offered to you with kindness, harshness, pain and pleasure and have the wisdom to know when to use each one.
10. Never be too full of pride or blinded by your own “power trip” to admit when you have made a mistake and to even say “I’m sorry”. Just as no submissive is perfect for their Dominant 24 hours a day; no Dominant is perfect either.
Dominant Woman’s Pledge
Above all else a Mistress Cherishes Their submissive, in the knowledge that the Gift the submissive Gives Them is the Greatest Gift of all.
A Mistress is Demanding and takes full advantage of the power Given to Them, but Knows how to Share the Pleasure that comes from that Precious Gift.
A Mistress is in Control of Themself First and Foremost, so that They may Control others.
As a Stern and Demanding Mistress, They can cause Their submissive to Cry real tears.
As the Consummate Lover, They will then Kiss the tears away, Without stepping out of character.
In times of Trouble, a Mistress will leave the roles behind, to be a supportive Friend and Partner, Never forgetting that this is still a Loving Relationship between Two caring Individuals.
A Mistress is quick to Understand the Differences between Fantasy and Reality.
A Mistress would Never ask a submissive to put Them before their Career, or Family, just to satisfy Their own pleasure.
To win a submissive’s Mind, Body, Spirit, Soul, and Love, a Mistress knows They must first win their Trust.
A Mistress will show Their submissive Humor, Kindness, and Warmth.
A Mistress must always show them that Their Guidance and Tutoring is Knowledgeable and Deserving of their attention, that This is a Person they can Learn from, and that they can Trust Their Direction.
A Mistress is Romantic enough to be Protective and Chivalrous. When called upon, They will Fight for Their submissive’s Honor.
A Mistress proves to their submissive that They are Someone they can Lean on, and Depend on.
When it comes time to Teach Their submissive their lessons of obedience, They are a Strong and Unyielding professor.
A Mistress will accept no flaw. Nothing less than Perfection from Their student.
Never does a Mistress use Discipline without a Good Reason. When They do punish Their submissive, it is always with a Knowledgeable and Careful hand.
A Mistress is Always Open to Communication and Discussion; Always Ready to Hear Their submissive’s wants and needs.
A Mistress is Patient; taking time to Learn Their submissive’s Limits, and knowing that as their Trust of Them Grows, so will they.
A Mistress Never has to demand ritual behavior from Their submissive. Their submissive responds to Them out of the Want of Pleasing Them. Compliance comes from the Wanting to please, Not the Fear of Punishment.
A Mistress Understands the Fragile nature of Mind and Body and Never violates the Trust Given to Them.
A Mistress is Secure enough to Laugh at Themself and the Absurdities of Life. Open Minded enough to Learn new things. Strong enough to Grow.
A Mistress’s tools are Mind, Body, Spirit, Soul, and Love.
A Mistress Understands that Each partner Gains Most from Pleasuring the Other.
And Both of Them know that Love and Trust are the Only Bindings that Truly Hold.
Many submissive guys seem to think women role off the femdom assembly line complete with corset, thigh-high boots and riding crop. The effect of porn working on their perpetual psychic meltdown.
What makes you distinctive? Do you see yourself as special, different, good in some aspect of your life? Elegance, skill at bondage, measured sadism or more humane qualities (which I’m not going to list because I know that would insure they be chosen). Something quirky, highly individual?
It is only human to think we are good at some things.
Originally posted 2008-12-29 12:34:16.