Charlotte tells of the beginning of her female led family: meeting the man who would become her submissive husband.
I noticed that he responded well to being treated with kind authority. It was as if he could relax and be his natural sweet self when he felt that I had taken control. When he was told clearly what to do and what not to do and how to behave he stopped acting foolishly and provocatively and seemed to feel secure and comfortable with being subjected to authority. Many months before we began being romantically involved the situation that I not only in the study group but in general sort of looked after him and made sure he behaved reasonably well. We did not discus and agree on this, it just came natural and especially after I a few times had given him a good ticking off for things like not keeping his room tidy, not being punctual and not contributing to the study group as he was supposed it was easy to control him and moderate his behavior. He obviously needed the stern reprimands to be able to trust that I really was looking after him and when my authority first was established he felt safe and comfortable with being controlled.
Read all of Charlotte’s account.
Mistress Wife / Slave Husband Contract
More Jay Em M/f art.
Be it known that this agreement (“Agreement”) is entered
into on the __st day of ___, 2000 between [FULL NAME OF
OWNER/WIFE] (herein referred to as “[Owner]“), and [FULL
NAME OF SLAVE/HUSBAND] (herein referred to as “[slave]“).
[Owner] and [slave] currently reside at [COMPLETE ADDRESS].
Whereas, this Agreement is to further reinforce and confirm
terms already specified under other existing agreements
already made between [Owner] and [slave]. Both [Owner] and
[slave] hereby state that they have consensually entered
into a non-traditional marital relationship and have
happily and successfully lived as Wife and husband, for
more than one year, under the terms and obligations as
generally described in this Agreement. Both [Owner] and
[slave] hereby emphasize that even though this Agreement
and other agreements may appear to those outside of the
relationship to provide great benefit to [Owner] and little
benefit to [slave], both have fully consented, of their own
free will, to the terms and obligations described in this
Agreement. Both [Owner] and [slave] hereby state that they
both strongly desire to continue this non-traditional
marital relationship and expect that this Agreement shall
be legally enforced in a court of law should that become
[Owner] and [slave] hereby agree to the following terms:
Property and Income Ownership: Any and all forms of
property, income and assets which have come into the
possession of either [Owner] or [slave] have become the
exclusive property of [Owner]. Any and all forms of
property, income and assets which is acquired by either
[Owner] or [slave] at any time in the future shall
immediately, upon receipt, become the the exclusive
property of [Owner]. [slave] currently owns nothing and has
surrendered any and all of his future ownership rights to
[Owner], for the reminder of his life.
Property and Income Use: [Owner], at Her option and
discretion, may permit [slave] the use of any of Her
property and income. Such permission may be modified or
revoked as [Owner] sees fit, at any time.
Obligation to Obey: [slave] shall unconditionally and
cheerfully obey every one of [Owner]‘s commands and wishes
and shall, at all times, conduct himself within the rules
set forth by [Owner]. [slave] has surrendered all of his
personal freedoms to [Owner]. The only personal freedoms
permitted for [slave] are those which [Owner] may
graciously choose to allow him, at Her discretion.
Scope of Control: [slave] has surrendered to [Owner]
complete and unconditional control over all aspects of his
life including, but not limited to: Financial matters;
Personal matters; Professional matters; Social matters; And
legal matters (to the furthest extent permitted by law).
Punishment Actions: [Owner] has been given all rights to
punish [slave] in any way in which She desires, for any
reason that She feels is appropriate, at any time, and at
Her discretion. [Owner] shall not be required to
demonstrate to [slave] that any punishment action is
justified. [slave] shall to do his best to avoid punishment
by always striving to please and obey [Owner] and to always
strive to conduct himself within the rules set forth by
Her. [slave] shall cheerfully submit to any punishment
prescribed by [Owner] without hesitation.
Disputes or Disagreements: Any disputes or disagreements
that [slave] may have with [Owner] shall, by default,
automatically resolve to the favor of [Owner]‘s position.
[Owner] may, at Her discretion, graciously allow [slave]‘
position to be heard, but [Owner]‘s final decisions shall
indeed be final and [slave] will cheerfully and
unconditionally abide by them.
Appeals Process: There exists no appeals process available
to [slave]. [slave] is bound to cheerfully and
unconditionally obey every one of [Owner]‘s final
decisions, rules, commands, wishes, and desires.
Sexual Relationship: The only sexual pleasures [slave] is
permitted to enjoy shall be those which [Owner] chooses to
provide him or chooses to allow him to experience at Her
direction. [slave] shall keep [Owner]‘s sexual needs and
desires as his highest priority and he will constantly
strive to please Her in every way. [slave] shall not
purposely provide himself physical sexual stimulation in
any form without [Owner]‘s explicit permission to do so.
Monogamy and Chastity: [slave] shall remain completely and
faithfully monogamous to [Owner] in every sense of the
word. [Owner] may, at Her discretion, require [slave] to
wear a locked chastity device to ensure his monogamy and to
help him to develop further into a better and more pleasing
sexual partner for [Owner]‘s benefit.
Control of Body: [Owner] has absolute control over
[slave]‘ body in every way. This includes, but is not
limited to, [Owner]‘s rights to, at Her discretion: Control
what enters his body (as in eating and drinking); Control
what leaves his body (as in urination and defecation);
Adorn his body (as in choice of clothing and jewelry); Mark
his body (as in tattoos, bruises, welts, cuts and
abrasions); Modify his body (as in piercings, punctures,
brands, cuttings and scarification); Cause sensations to
his body (as in the infliction of pleasure and pain); And
maintain his body (as in weight and health issues). [slave]
shall unhesitatingly make his body completely accessible to
[Owner], without restriction, at Her request, for any
purpose She desires.
Separation or Divorce: If a separation or divorce should
occur, [slave] shall remain completely bound, in every way,
by the terms of this and all other agreements made between
[Owner] and [slave]. [slave] has completely surrendered any
and all of his rights against [Owner], including any rights
to: Attempt to contest any such action taken by [Owner];
Seek alimony, property division or property ownership; Or
to seek personal freedoms of any kind for himself. Any and
all forms of future income or future property acquired by
[slave] shall immediately be turned over to [Owner] and
shall belong exclusively to Her. This may be accomplished,
at [Owner]‘s discretion, through: Direct-deposit of
[slave]‘s funds into Her accounts; Depositing all checks and
cash received by [slave] into Her accounts; Or by signing
over all checks received by [slave] to be payable only to
Her. [Owner] may then, at Her discretion, provide [slave]
with a small living allowance as She sees fit. If a
separation or divorce should occur, [slave] shall continue
to unconditionally and cheerfully obey every one of
[Owner]‘s commands, wishes and rules just as if they were
not separated or divorced, for the rest of his life or
until [Owner] chooses to release him from this obligation.
[Owner] shall retain all of Her rights, in all forms, over
[slave] as She sees fit. Specifically, [Owner] shall retain
the right to direct [slave] in all aspects of his life, at
Her discretion, and [slave] shall not enter into a
relationship with another person without first obtaining
explicit permission from [Owner] to do so.
Transfer of Rights: [Owner] has the option of transferring
any and all of Her rights over [slave] to anyone of Her
choosing, at Her discretion. This may be done by [Owner] in
the form of either a temporary or a permanent assignment of
Her rights. [slave] shall be fully obligated to the person
designated by [Owner] in any way that She chooses to
obligate him. Should [Owner] become deceased before
transferring Her rights over [slave] to a designated
person, [slave] shall not enter into a close or intimate
relationship with another person for the rest of his life
and he shall continue to, at all times, conduct himself
according to the commands, wishes and rules that [Owner]
had previously specified for him to obey.
Consideration: In consideration for this Agreement,
[Owner] has already paid [slave] the sum of one dollar upon
the signing of the original Pre-Marital Agreement on [date]
and that this consideration applies to this
Agreement as well. [slave] wishes to state that further
non-monetary consideration has been very generously given
to him by [Owner] through his continuing opportunity to
have had the privilege to live his life within the terms of
what he considers to be an ideal marital relationship under
[Owner]‘s very capable direction. [Owner] and [slave] fully
understand the nature of this Agreement, into which they
both have voluntarily and of their own free will entered,
without any form of undue duress, force, compulsion,
intimidation, pressure, persuasion or coercion from the
other party. [Owner] and [slave] feel that this
consideration is entirely fair and equitable to both
Enforcement: This Agreement shall be enforced with the
laws of the State of [state]. Both [Owner] and [slave]
acknowledge that they have had an opportunity to seek the
advice of legal counsel and that they are entering into
this Agreement voluntarily and of their own free will. This
Agreement was drafted by [slave], with the consent and
consultation of [Owner]. Neither party shall be entitled to
claim the benefit of ambiguity resulting from its drafting.
[slave] has specifically waived any and all of his rights
against [Owner] to invalidate this Agreement due to claims
of spouse abuse, enslavement (or for any such related
reason) and shall never attempt to bring legal action of
any kind against Her regarding such claims.
Default: If either party defaults in the performance of
any terms, provisions or obligations herein set forth, and
it becomes necessary to institute legal proceedings to
effectuate the performance of any provisions of this
agreement, then [slave] shall pay all expenses, including
attorney fees, incurred in connection with such enforcement
proceedings. [slave] shall continue to be obligated to the
terms of this Agreement during the time that any such legal
proceeding takes place until he is relieved from this
obligation by a court of law.
Termination of Agreement: This Agreement shall remain in
effect until it is revoked, rescinded, canceled or
terminated by [Owner] or until [slave] dies. Should [Owner]
exercise Her option to transfer Her rights under this
agreement to another person, [slave] shall be obligated to
the person designated by [Owner] until the designee
revokes, rescinds, cancels or terminates this Agreement or
until [slave] dies. [slave] has no rights whatsoever to
revoke, rescind, cancel or terminate this Agreement under
Changes or Modifications: This Agreement may be changed or
modified only by [Owner], at Her discretion. Should [Owner]
exercise Her option to transfer Her rights under this
Agreement to another person, only the person designated by
[Owner] may change or modify this Agreement. [slave] has no
rights whatsoever to change or modify this Agreement under
Understanding of Agreement: Each party fully understands
the terms of this Agreement and the terms represent and
constitute the entire understanding between them. Any
portion of this Agreement found to be legally invalid or
unenforceable shall not affect the remainder of this
Agreement. Each party has read this Agreement and finds it
to be in accordance with Her and his understanding and each
voluntarily affixes Her or his signature in the presence of
the witnesses indicated below.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties hereto have executed this
Signed this ______ day of ____________________, 20____.
Witness [FULL NAME OF OWNER/WIFE]
Witness [FULL NAME OF SLAVE/HUSBAND]
Originally posted 2012-09-29 08:48:13.
Femdom Vows, Wedding, or …
Many BDSM couples F/m and otherwise seek a formal commitment and/or collaring ceremony that symbolizes the special bond of their power exchange.
Here’s one example that may suggest a public or private joining that fits your needs.
We come together in this place today to witness these two people make a commitment to each other that they are not at this time able to make under the laws of any land but which they know they must make.
This commitment is without end, depth, breadth or height. It is immeasurable, cannot be seen, touched or felt by anyone more than them. It is a locking of hearts, minds, spirits and souls. It strengthens them and makes them one.
GIVING OF THE COLLAR
Domme and submissive face each other with submissive kneeling at her feet.
Domme places the collar around submissive neck.
With the placing of this collar around your neck and your acceptance thereof, I vow to do everything I can to be worthy of you. I promise to hold you and keep you safe, to stretch you and give you flight, to respect the needs of our relationship above all others, to love you, honour you, support you in all things and be sensitive to your needs and desires all underpinned by the respect that I have for you and the deep and joyful knowledge that with you two halves are made whole.
I acknowledge the trust you have placed in me and the responsibility that goes with my acceptance of that trust.
I will never violate or even threaten to violate that trust.
I will endeavour to be open minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. In times of trouble, to be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring people.
We will continue to love and enjoy all our children. Our home will always be haven for them and they will each know that they are not only accepted just as they are, but also adored and enjoyed.
I acknowledge and accept with all my heart the gift of submission you have made to me. The collar itself is a symbol of that which we already know… that you are mine and by it’s wearing you are safe to be everything that you are.
Do you accept this symbol in the spirit by which it is given you?
Yes, and this answer is given after deep reflection, unpretentious, in the spirit of my submission to you.
The collar you offer me is a powerful reminder of the control I have surrendered to you.
I accept this collar as an outward expression of your ownership of me.
I do so freely, fully and without restriction.
I agree to honour our relationship above all others, and seek to fulfil your needs and desires as you allow.
I promise to support you and to be there for you always when you need me.
I promise to always communicate openly and honestly with you keeping nothing from you.
I will strive to be the best soul mate that I can be for you and will not in anyway dishonour you.
I will love you also in silence within my soul.
I will wear this collar with pride, knowing that you love me, cherish me, respect me and hold me above all others.
And in my turn I promise to love, honour, respect and obey you for the rest of eternity
THE GIVING OF THE LOCK
With this lock I express the finality of my commitment to you and surrender my body and passion to you whenever it is closed.
Within the circle it closes, it allows me to do your will and allows me to follow in all directions possible.
It remains as a solid symbol of my trust in you without fear of outcome and allows me to give myself to you.
My trust in you is shown as I give my up my safe words.
By my desire to please and not because of fear of punishment.
It keeps me safely within your bond and excludes all others’ powers over me.
With each closing of this lock, I shall accept the depths of your passion, devotion, and trust and provide a haven where you are safe to express all desires to me knowing that I accept all that you have been, all that you are and all that you will be.
The collar is now locked.
THE GIVING OF RINGS
(Placing the ring on her slave’s finger)
I ask you to wear this as an outward symbol of my ownership of you.
One that the whole world will see, but only a select few shall truly understand that you may feel the strength of my commitment to you at all times.
(Placing the ring on his Mistress’s finger)
I ask you to wear this as an outward symbol of your ownership of me.
One that the whole world will see, but only a select few shall truly understand that you may feel the strength of my commitment to you at all times.
CEREMONY OF THE ROSE THORN
With a thorn on the stem of her red rose, she pricks his middle finger and lets two drops of blood fall on the white petals of his rose. He then offers the thorns of his rose to her and she pricks her own finger.
She lets two drops fall to his rose, one alone and one on top of a drop of his.
The two then press their fingers together and make their vows to be joined by blood.
I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow, and forever. I will trust you and honour you, care for you and protect you.
I will always be open and honest with you and will be eternally grateful for your wholly accepting love.
I will laugh with you and cry with you.
I will love you faithfully
Through the best and the worst, the difficult and the easy, what ever may come I will always be there.
As I have given you my hand to hold, I give you my life to keep.
I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow, and forever.
I will trust you and honour you, care for you and protect you.
I will always be open and honest with you.
I will laugh with you and cry with you.
I will love you faithfully
Through the best and the worst, the difficult and the easy, what may come I will always be there.
As I have given you my hand to hold, I give you my life to keep.
Posted many years ago on usenet.
Originally posted 2013-06-21 07:42:42.
Protocols for Lifestyle Slaves
I will be sharing the protocols normally reserved for 24/7 submissives and slaves. Some of these will be fairly standard and have been taken from erotic fiction but some of these are very unique to the owner and should show you that deciding what the rules and protocols are should be the owner’s decision. I will be breaking up the requirements in different categories and in some instances, when something is clear I will not even use further explanation. It is my hope that this guide will help you enhance your submissive or slave’s service to you.
In private/ At home with no one else present:
Slave should always remove clothing as soon as she/he gets home unless Mistress has laid out clothing for the slave or submissive to wear.
Slave should fold clothes neatly or place them in the laundry whenever he/ she gets undressed.
The slave or submissive is to kneel in present posture whenever the Mistress is due to arrive and wait quietly.
Whenever the Mistress is present in a room, the slave must ask permission to enter in the following fashion: “Would it please you if your slave entered the room.”
The slave will kneel in the room until the Mistress gives permission that he or she may move or proceed with cleaning.
The slave or submissive will wear and gratefully accept any toys the Mistress chooses to insert or adorn her or him with while cleaning or in any other circumstance.
The slave will not speak unless spoken to and may request an opportunity to speak if there is something pressing to discuss during those periods of time when the Mistress commands silence.
The slave or submissive may request an opportunity to serve the Dominant in the following way: “Would it please you to have your slave serve you?”
The slave does not sleep with the Mistress unless it is the express wish of the owner and then this must be seen as a privilege. It can be taken away as a form of punishment.
The slave or submissive will always thank the Mistress for an opportunity to serve whether it was doing a chore or being flogged.
The slave will keep their eyes averted unless it is the wish of the Mistress to have their slave look them in the eyes.
The slave will address the Mistress not by their first name, but by the title preferred by that dominant.
In public/ At home with others present:
A slave will receive visitors at the door with whatever clothing the Master or Mistress commanded.
A slave will greet visitors in whatever way the Mistress commands – this may include just taking coats and putting them away, kissing the hand of the guest or kneeling in front of them.
A slave will not refer to anyone using his or her first name. A slave will use the title Sir or Ma’am combined with their name to differentiate and to make sure that he or she remembers her or his place.
A slave will serve every person with food and drinks as requested, kneeling to each as the food or drinks are presented.
A slave will not use furniture and will kneel on the floor until her or his services are required.
A slave will not speak unless spoken to.
A slave will remain attentive to make sure that no one has to ask for additional food or drink. A slave should be ready before the command is issued.
A slave must use high protocol when commanded to do so. This means that the slave will not use first person language when referring to him or herself and will address everyone present with the honorific given to those free.
A slave must always ask permission before using the bathroom or taking a shower.
The bathroom door may never be closed in private, as a slave has no right to privacy.
The slave must accept it calmly when the owner decides that a bathroom break will not be allowed at that very moment.
Punishment and or discipline take precedence over any other command.
A slave must show gratitude for punishment and or discipline.
A slave must take correction gracefully and maintain a grateful presence around the house after the fact.
A slave must confess to disobedience and take responsibility even when the dominant is not present and beg for punishment and or discipline.
A slave must always maintain the punishment position in these cases.
The slave must be available for sexual service whenever the dominant or his guests require it.
The slave must always be ready for any form of sexual service, which would mean that her or his body must be prepared in order to make it easy for the dominant or guests to use him or her.
The slave will not be allowed to have an orgasm without permission.
The slave will shave any body hair and maintain this at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishment.
The slave will be clean and pleasant to all the senses at all times.
The slave is not allowed to touch her or his owner’s property without permission in any sexual way.
These are but a few of the requirements that some slaves live by. The list is extensive and could be lengthened quite easily. It is always a good idea to have requirements regarding online privileges and privacy, interaction with others not in the lifestyle, which would include hand signals etc. In the end it is the decision of the dominant what this list would include.
Trust & Love: The Basis of a Female Led Relationship
Above all she would recognize my submission to her as something intrinsically valuable and desirable possess. A fair exchange or equivalent to the dominance she gives in return. She would be exacting, taking full advantage of the power given to her, but would be capable and willing to share the pleasure from my gift of submission. Submission is in a real sense a gift, not in the sense of something that is transferred by one person to another without any expectation of receiving something in return, but in the sense of something that is freely and willingly given. I choose to submit, it is not something that another can demand or take from me by force.
She would first and foremost, be firmly in control of her own life and emotions, otherwise how could she inspire confidence in me that she could control mine. She would possess the capacity to be stern and demanding when it was called for, even to the point of provoking me to cry real tears. But she would also have the capacity to act as the consummate lover, able to kiss those tears away, without stepping out of character. In times of trouble she could easily step outside the role of Mistress to be a supportive friend, lover and partner, never forgetting that above all else we were together joined in a loving relationship between two caring human beings. She would be quick to grasp the differences between fantasy and reality and would never demand that I put her before my career or family, simply to satisfy capricious needs.
To win my mind, body, spirit, and love she would understand that she must first win and then continually nurture my trust. She would manifest humor, intellect, kindness and warmth. She would demonstrate wisdom in her guidance and training inspiring confidence in me that she was knowledgeable, deserving of my devoted attention and that she is a woman I can learn from and whose direction I could always implicitly trust. She would be romantic and protective making me feel that our relationship was something she jealously safeguarded and considered precious. She would demonstrate to me that she is someone I can lean on and depend on.
She would nurture and nourish my submission by instructing me in her lessons of obedience and would be a strong and unyielding teacher. She would accept no flaw, nothing less than my very best efforts at attaining her ideal of submissive perfection. She would never discipline without good reason or in anger. When it was necessary she would always discipline with a knowledgeable and careful hand.
She would always be open to communication and discussion, always willing to hear my wants, needs and desires, even if ultimately she decided that they were not things she considered to be in my best interests. She would be patient, taking time to learn my limits, fully aware that as my trust in her grows, so would my willingness to have my limits stretched and challenged.
She would fully comprehend that I submit to her out of my deeply felt desires and need to please her. My compliance comes from the wanting to please, not the fear of punishment. She would understand the fragile nature of the mind and body and would never purposely violate the trust given to her. She would be secure enough to laugh at herself and the absurdities of life, open-minded enough to explore and learn new things, and strong enough to grow. Her tools would be mind, body, spirit, and love. She would understand that each partner in a relationship gains most from pleasuring the other and that in the final analysis trust and love are the only bindings that truly hold
(From an abandoned blog, I no longer have the link.)
It’s quite easy to come up with a long list of male dictators. Coming up with a list of female dictators is a lot more difficult.
There were a couple of female pharohs in Egypt, ending with Cleopatra. Catherine the Great of Russia could be considered a dictator in her own right. But these women took over “going concerns.” They were more or less in line for the throne and did not come to power by some other means and set up the dictatorship.
Do female monarchs count? Again, I can’t think of an instance where a woman came to absolute power other than by inheritance (or pretension to inheritance).
In today’s world, there are few female leaders and they (with the exception of the above mentioned monarchs) have been democratically elected.
So in 5,000+ years of history we can only come up with a handful of female dictators.
Originally posted 2008-11-16 12:44:59.
(“Language is a cruel mistress.”) Beginning with Latin (always a good place to start any language discussion), “Domina” literally means “the lady of the house,” in the sense of “domestic boss.” (“Domine” is Biblical Latin for “Lord,” as in deity, and “Domina” is simply the feminine.) So that’s a good title. “Mistress” is a feminine of “Mister,” which can be understood as “lord,” “sir,” or any number of similar terms. Until the 19th century, it was used as a title for any woman, single or married. It came to mean the female owner of a pet in the 19th century, and as a translation of the old Latin “domina,” the female in charge of a household, and hence of the servants (or slaves) working in that household. “Mistress” as a euphemism for “kept woman” is fairly recent, apparently a matter of finding a word to fit a vacant place in Victorian vocabulary. It is this meaning that seems to bother most people in the Woman Worship scene today. A century ago, it clearly meant that *she* was there for *his* use, an unofficial employee, as it were, at his command. Clearly, that will not do here! The significance we want is that of the Lady and Her servant, the Owner and Her dog. As long as both understand that is the exclusive and exact meaning, there is no problem. If others outside the relationship do not use the term that way, we have a problem. Solve it either by excluding them (keeping the FLR confidential) or change to a term that will not be understood. What term, then? “Lady” implies a “Lord.” “Madam[e]” reminds us of the euphemism for a brothel owner, which leads back to the male-dominant model. “Domina” may require conversation in Latin only [;-D]. “Madonna” is confusing, “Maitresse” good if you have some French, and “Herrin” if German is part of your linguistic landscape. “Ma’am” (a contraction of Madam) works well, except that it brings back memories of school days to some. (That may be just right, though, for many of us.) Keeping the relationship private solves many problems; private may mean behind the bedroom door (and maybe in the basement!), or it may mean in the company of others who are in the scene. There you can do as you like, and it’s nobody else’s business. In the end, that may be the best way to handle the whole thing: privately.
Originally posted 2012-06-09 07:49:17.
Female bottoms almost always write longer, more thoughtful personal ads than male tops. That isn’t the issue, just a parallel.
To a sad, almost frightening degree profiles and personals by submissive men are shorter – sometimes almost blank, less coherent and thoughtful than female tops.
Within the context of this note accept the premise and explain why men who claim their desire is but to please seem so often unable to communicate with the women they claim they want to serve and worship.
Originally posted 2007-12-31 13:40:58.
Are Labels Libels?
A woman writes of her lover::
A couple of folks were chatting with Philip this evening about our relationship. They were wanting him to define it for them.
Just about all he could do was assert that he wasn’t a slave, and he wasn’t owned.
We’ve never tried to define it in current yet ever changing kink terms to fit the masses. He submits to me. He can say no if he wants to. I’ll generally do what I want to do any way, and he’ll generally say…see what saying no got me?
I listen to tone of course.
I watch his eyes and for his own small signs of personal discomfort with a given situation.
I try to be reasonable, unless I’m playing SDS on him.
He’s got the option of opting out of anything at any time, all he has to do is safeout.
I say he’s mine, he says he’s mine, past that there is no set structure or protocol. It just doesn’t seem to be needed.
Since it has occurred to me that an especially moving BDSM experience with Alexandra might be called poetry or music and not scening this distinction hit me:
One of the things I’ve often noted in this sort of discussion is that there are people who speak in a poetry of romantic ambience,
about feelings and desires and emotional connections, and there are people who speak in a prose of details and obligations and contigencies (my native tongue).
M/s, history and symbolism
I am in a full time D/s based relationship now. At different times I am
his submissive, his slave, his bottom, his friend, his lover, his mate …
well, you get the idea. We are so many things to one another; I love the
complexity of our relationship.
Labels – submissives & slaves & bottoms & wenches
When I was starting out, the labels and classifications were a pretty big deal to me. It was a little overwhelming, so it was nice to have pigeonholes to put
everything into. It was comforting. It became obvious pretty quickly, though,
that there was no real concensus about these things. One person’s “slave” was
another’s “submissive”. There were lists and categories of this that or the
other thing – “Nine Levels of…” or “10 Rules For…” but they were
oversimplified, and one rarely agreed with another, and I found I didn’t
totally agree with any of them.
Labels and classifications
Labels are shortcuts for communication, and that’s their main purpose. They
can become oppressive (and, I think, a bit dangerous) when they become
avatars for some ideal state (i.e. the occasional ‘you ain’t no true slave’
crap that appears here from time to time).
Labels are sometimes convenient to help us identify with a group
of people. They can also be nasty generalisations that folk use
Do you mean that people attach labels like ’24/7′ and ‘lifestyle’
in order to make it seem that they are a greater Dom/sub or that there
relationship is more real, more intense than anybody else. I think that
some certainly do and this creates an impression that this has to be the
aim for everybody or else you will never be a proper Dom/sub.
You see plenty of labelling like this in personal ads, but it’s
pretty meaningless without further qualification, because it means so
many different things to different people.
Is 24/7 another way of saying “bigger is better”?
… I don’t blame a lot of the blogger’s for disappearing or hiding when the answer they give are not the answers the reader wants to hear. or they are burnt out from the derivative thoughts and opinions. And its also no wonder why there are so many fakers. I get it now you have to fit the Femdom mould in order to belong. and after all doesn’t every one want to belong. …
Will the real Femdom please stand up !!!!
We really need a special insulting term for psuedo-doms male and female. You know the type: guy’s only in it for the blowjobs, gal’s only in it to get her housework done for her? People who are users who are totally uninterested in the art and the subculture of BDSM. They don’t have years of experience: they have the same damn year over and over. How about “duminant”?
Benchmarking and labeling – The biggest problem in BDSM is the tendency, many people have, to find benchmarks and label others. Since BDSM is a very personal thing, the truth is that every relationship and every emotion is personal, hence different from others. There are no benchmarks and labels do not really help either. True dominants and submissives do not excist. In fact there probably are not even good or bad doms or subs. They are just different.
The Many Faces of the Community
Originally posted 2012-10-12 06:56:14.
F/m Relationships & Sensible Written Agreements
Start with a short contract and build gradually. That makes sense.
The good news is that, while marriage is traditionally defined by our society as permanent, with divorce made difficult on purpose, a slave contract (being unenforceable at law anyway) can, easily, be a “trial marriage” sort of thing.
Yes, that’s right. No court will compel two people to obey the terms of a slave contract. Only the respect of the two for each other will do the trick. Once that respect disappears, forget it!
So, a short-term contract, maybe even 24 hours or a weekend, is good to start. At the end of that period, start over at square one. Renegotiate between equals, and sign (or not sign and go your separate ways) a new one for longer: a week, perhaps.
During these “trial periods,” both are working out their willingness to “play the game.”
Renegotiation, with frank discussion, must accompany any mutual decision to extend the basic arrangement. This is not a matter of legal anything, because no law is involved here (except as may be coincidentally included in the contract: e.g., no permanent injury or death may be caused).
After a 24 or 48-hour contract, then a week, then a month, perhaps then 3 or 6 months, then a year, then, if all that seems comfortable on both sides of the agreement, 3 or 5 years. After that, both will know if they can “take it” — and want something semi-permanent, say, 10 years.
It’s important, also, to include an understanding of what happens if either party — but particularly the Owner — dies. Don’t panic: it happens to everyone sooner or later, and even the most perfect divine and omnipotent Mistress is not immune. This could take the form, for instance, of “leaving” Her slave property to another Mistress — or manumitting it back to human status, which may or may not be too much of a psychological shock. Again, this sort of thing is outside testamentary law as much as it is outside contract law, so it’s enforceable only by individual faith and trust. Whether or not to include provisions for selling the slave is one of many matters for pre-signing negotiation, along with punishment limits and so forth.
Only after at least a year, one would think, can a slave truly trust its Owner to use Her judgment and rely on Her mercy.
Discussion and negotiation must be open and free during the preparation of a new and presumably longer contract. That agreement may or may not, as negotiated, include safewords and provision for discussion and amendment during the period of its existence, and may or may not include a provision for dissolving the agreement sooner that the end contemplated.
However, it is likely that the basic agreement will say, in effect, that once it is signed and perhaps consummated by a collaring ceremony, the slave surrenders all rights as a human being to the Owner, except for specific exceptions written down in the document.
Once it’s signed and the collar locked, there is no more discussion. The slave will still beg for mercy, but the final decision rests with the Owner. The slave can say, “If You please, Mistress, the agreement says …” but Her judicial interpretation rules. As the old joke says, a slave has the last word in this sort of discussion, and that word is “Yes, Mistress.”
Again, it’s not a legal or enforceable contract. If the slave “escapes,” no police will return it to its Mistress (we settled that in 1865, remember). But it does have the advantage of clarifying the understanding of two people, one that places itself totally at the disposal and command of the other — Who, in Her turn, is morally obligated to care for Her slave. Whether or not the BDSM community as a whole would “enforce” such a contract is a wholly different discussion.