Power Exchange vs Sadomasochism
I remember wondering once if I were really submissive or soley masochistic. I saw no shame in that but in not being sure of my own nature I couldn’t be sure what I could offer a dominant partner.
Here’s part of an old discussion:
The lines aren’t always very cleanly drawn. There’s a lot of overlap. A lot of people are into some of what we do, some of us are into a lot of what we do, some of us may even be into almost everything that we do (howdy, Philip!), but nobody is into everything that we do. We’re all a blend of some of the ingredients, and in each of us, that blend has a different flavor. In some of us, a spoonful of the stew shows a heavy proportion of sadism. Some of us taste more like bondage, and others of us taste like a whole pot of submissiveness, with nary a trace of masochism.
But in the end, you are what you are – if you think you’re submissive, but don’t consider yourself a masochist, then that’s probably what you are. That’s what I am, in fact. I hate pain, but then again, I need it as a component of my submission. So even though I’m not a masochist, when my sadist lover crops me or clamps my nipples, she’d doing sadism – so therefore, we’re doing sadomasochism.
I would suggest that you don’t need to understand it much more deeply than that – it’s not that complex. Submissive but not a masochist? That’s actually quite common. They key is to know who you are, and what you need, as well as who you *aren’t* and what you “don’t* need – if you’ve got that sorted out and you can keep it clear in your mind, then that’s a big step towards feeling at peace with it. And feeling at peace with it is the key to self-acceptance. Once you’ve attained self-acceptance, you’ll probably find that the exact definitions aren’t really that important.
As for a lot of the BDSM literature seeming inappropriate – well, you’re not the first to notice that. If you’re referring to the fiction, it’s mostly fantasy material. It’s only appropriate if it fits you. Most of it doesn’t fit that many real people. Don’t feel ill at ease if you find that you’re one of those it does not fit. You’re not alone.
Just be who you are, and you’ll always be on the right course.
The first thing I think is that I get a little uncomfortable when I see this put in one *VS* the other kind of terms. That seems to imply some kind of tension between the two things that, IMO, just doesn’t exist. Having said that, I will offer up and old and tired analogy – Kink, BDSM, WIITWD, or whatever you want to call it is like a smorgasbord. There are so many things to choose from. People can choose whatever they like, in whatever combination. They can have all one thing or a little bit of everything or anywhere in between.
It does seem that there is a lot more information out there about S&M than there is about D/s, but I think that’s to be expected. It’s a lot easier to write a how-to about flogging or suspension or whathaveyou than it is to write about how dominance and submission work. The basics of S&M play are about the same for everyone – the same safety factors and such apply pretty much across the board. But, IMO, D/s is a much more individual thing. I’m not saying that’s better or worse, just different. I suspect it’s easier to write fiction about S&M, too. A lot of it is very D/s-y, but I don’t think I’ve seen much that doesn’t have S&M elements. It can be hard to describe one’s kink to others. Most often, unless one is describing one’s kink to a potential partner of whatever sort, it’s just not all that important that they understand exactly where one is coming from.
I guess at parties and such, it’s the S&M play that gets noticed. That’s where the action is, after all. But if one looks, there’s a lot of D/s play going on, too. It just doesn’t require special equipment or a lot of space. While I think there is a perception that S&M is the predominant kink, I don’t think that people who aren’t into S&M are rare. I think there are a lot of kinky people who are neither sadists nor masochists. Just like there are a lot of kinky people who are neither dominant nor submissive.
In my own case I discovered that I’m very masochistic. And – with the right person – very submissive.
Originally posted 2010-10-28 14:03:16.
By Her Bootlicker
“Tim” is right on. The imagined effect is what counts — as someone once commented, the brain is the greatest sexual organ we have.
Clean “special” shoes or boots (they can be kept disinfected) and a washed section of linoleum floor as just what is needed to create the effect, without the infection.
Hint: a little bit of olive oil on the boots, soles and uppers, makes the licking less troublesome, while keeping the leather properly shiny.
By the way, as generations of cocksuckers have proven, there is sno negat8ive health effect from swallowing semen, per se. Try this suggested scene:
Mistress compels Her male slave animal to masturbate while kneeling at Her feet (with a riding crop for encouragement). This is no pleasure: the slave must cum on command, and suffer in the process.
To make it fun, She tells Her slave “not” to cum, but forces it to jerk off faster and faster. Soon, it ejaculates on Her boots; She whips the slave for disobeying Her command not to cum. Then, with Her whip enforcing obedience, the slave licks every drop of the sperm from Her boots, while She gloats and laughs. The psychological fact is that as soon as a male cums, but not inside a woman, all the fun stops at once.
Now, when She forces the male to slurp up the cum, it is onerous and not fun at all — believe me, he suffers! At this point, true submission really happens. (If possible, She should have the slave’s wrists handcuffed [in front of him] while he is pulling at his cock, then order him to stretch his arms out in a worship position. She steps on the handcuff chain, imprisoning Her slave so than it cannot run away in disgust.
Her whip then enforces the bootlicking until She is satisfied that every drop is cleaned. (Then, of course, She may command him to kneel up, so She can wipe the last drops from the tip of Her slave’s cock with Her toe, and have him lick that clean, too, before kissing Her boots in final thanks for being allowed to entertain Her.)
This was written as a comment on Boot Worship.
Originally posted 2011-01-11 23:39:50.
I have very sensitive nipples too, and have taken stimulation to a high art. One of the best and most basic things I like is to tie them tightly with dental floss. Waxed dental floss is best, since it stays tight after you make the first knot, so that when you double-knot it, it gets very tight. Use a pair of high-quality wire cutters to remove the floss.
After you’ve tied a tight choke-hold around your nipples, they will plump up very nicely, almost painfully. It takes a little practice to get good tight ties. You can’t release them without tools of some sort, so you can do nice nipple bondage.
1. Tie a string to each nipple, leaving a long length hanging from each. Then tie the other end of the floss to each ankle. If you make the length short, in a sitting position, this is very disabling, and can be very exciting (ie: painful) crawling to where your cutters are…
2. Tie a weight to each nipple. I like doing this with a considerable weight (a full bottle of water for instance), leaving enough length so that the weight can lay on the ground. Then put on a pair of handcuffs, with the key somewhere far away, and you’ll have to drag the weight to get release.
3. Well, you get the idea. Endless hours of fun here!
Submissive Male Penis and Genital Torment
Cock and ball torture (CBT) is an activity that I find I have an attraction for even though I have yet to experience it in a meaningful way. I actually was pretty confused about exactly why I would want to experience this or find the thought of it erotic given the fact that I am not really much of a masochist and CBT is actually a pretty intense sadomasochistic practice, especially in the more intense ways it can be accomplished. For those not familiar with this activity, here is a definition excerpted from the Wikipedia online encyclopedia;
Definition: Cock and ball torture (CBT) is a sexual activity involving torture of the male genitals. This may involve directly painful activities, such as wax play, genital spanking, ball busting, genital flogging, genital bondage, urethral play, electrical play, or tickle torture. It may equally consist of the use of cock harnesses, testicle cuffs, parachutes, prolonged stimulation (teasing), metal cages, cock rings, English cages, not necessarily leading to orgasm. Erotic electro stimulation may also be used in CBT. The use of ball bags, ball stretchers, various kinds of chastity devices and the humbler can also be regarded as forms of CBT. A ball lock may be used for prolonged entrapment, providing an interesting predicament associated with not knowing when padlock will be unfastened, releasing the testicles.
This is rather comprehensive listing of the possibilities included in the universe of CBT activities offered by Wikipedia. One of the most simple forms as illustrated in the above photograph, is simply the binding of the cock and balls (genital bondage) using small diameter rope or cord. As evidence of my own attraction to this practice, I really find the change of color of the balls when tightly bound, extremely erotic and arousing. Similar to the use of urethral sounds, insertion of penis plugs is also a form of CBT, as would be the application of clamps on the cock and/or balls and the use of permanent penis jewelry after having either the shaft or the scrotum pierced.
What you ask is it that would cause a submissive man to feel an attraction for this practice, especially in the more extreme and painful forms? First I think it can be explained by the simple male fascination with his own penis, which I have already discussed at length previously in this blog. There is a good deal of excitement associated with another person focusing so much careful attention on this particularly intimate part of a male’s anatomy, even if that person is inflicting pain while doing so. Should one be given to Masochism to a much more profound degree than I am, a person who truly derives pleasure strictly from the level of pain, then enduring the torture of their genitals while experiencing CBT in its most painful machinations would be satisfying for them for the obvious reasons.
From the purely submissive perspective I actually feel that CBT appeals to me for two main reasons that are closely aligned with many other activities in which I find meaningful and intense expression of my submissive nature. Assuming a dominant woman enjoyed inflicting CBT on me, which would of course imply that she was something of a sadist, then of course I would receive emotional pleasure from the act of pleasing her by allowing her to inflict CBT on me. There is no doubt about it, I am a complete pleaser type personality and truly do derive a great deal of satisfaction and fulfillment from pleasing someone else on many levels. Also, since I enjoy being controlled by an assertive dominant woman, then there is also the gratification I would receive from CBT due to the quite obvious and overt loss of control over this rather favored and valued part of my male anatomy to a dominant woman.
Lacking a significant masochistic kink, I think I would most enjoy some of the milder forms of CBT, such as wax play, genital spanking/flogging, genital bondage, urethral play (penis plugs), cock harnesses (e.g. Gates of Hell), parachutes (ball stretchers), prolonged stimulation (teasing), cock rings and chastity devices. To date I have only experienced cock rings, self-inflicted genital spanking, genital bondage, and some degree of ball stretching by way of a crude homemade weighting apparatus. I found I definitely liked all of these although I am quite certain self-inflicted CBT is never going to approach the intensity of someone doing it to me. In addition I have just recently ordered a Gates of Hell cock harness and a beginner’s penis plug, and am anxiously awaiting the arrival of these new toys to continue my CBT education.
For dominant females: Does CBT appeal to you? If so do you feel that it appeals to you from a sadist perspective (enjoyment of inflicting pain), from a control perspective, or some other reason? If CBT does not appeal, why not?
For submissive males: Does CBT appeal to you? If it does, is it for one of the reason I offered, a combination of those reasons or for some other reason entirely? If it hold no appeal for you, why? Also, for anyone who may have experienced CBT in any of its various forms please share a little from your own personal experience with it.
(From a defunct female-led blog by a guy named Joe.)
Nina Hartley is an adult film actress and producer known for creating adult movies that appeal to women.
One of her videos is Nina Hartley’s Guide to Sensual Domination No. 1 – How to Dominate a Man DVD. I’ve never seen it but wonder how useful it is to helping inexperienced women explore female dominance.
If you’ve seen it please leave a comment.
Originally posted 2007-12-17 11:11:35.
My Happiness in Being Submissive and Masochistic
I got a note saying that someone on Informed Consent swiped this without credit. (It orginally appeared on Down On My Knees.) Rereading it I find I still enjoy it and thought I’d repost the list here.
Individuality – we each express who we are without regard to the bogus conventions, sham rules and kindred nonsense that is often propounded as truths on the web.
Erotic Beauty – Ordinary people they say have fifteen minutes of sex a few times a week. Pneumatic action followed by sleep. In our power exchange “sex” can last for hours and the afterglow for days. (Yeah, this is two words.)
Pet – I’m in love and on my knees. Resting my head on her knee and waiting for her hand to brush the back of my neck is one of the happiest spaces I can go to.
Creature – (Not really explored. But I want ten.) Less than human object. Existing to be used: inarticulate, obedient without thought.
Slave – My will vanishes. There seems to be an invisible wire that leads from her brain to mine. My brain becomes quiet, if I think it is only to make sure I obey.
Helpless – How odd it is to be a man who must struggle to reach these states. Thankfully chains and cuffs can help me find my way there.
Pain – I almost laugh as I type that word. My mind harks back to being bound at the dining room entry as she hit me. Would that next blog of the quirt be too much or not enough? Before she comes back I will go to my rose garden and cut a thick stem.
Suffering – As she hurts me it feels as if she is eating my heart like it is a rare delicacy. There is more than mere physical suffering to be explored.
Surrender – I prefer this word to submission. (And despise “sub” and “subbie.”) Doing what I’m told or really merely asked meshes deeply with my needs.
Worship – this is where the surrender is purest, becomes beatific. When this overcomes me I wish I were telepathic. There are no words, is no action with which I can really let her feel what is flowing through my heart.
Originally posted 2010-08-04 10:14:02.
Lock Yourself Up in Your Basement
I set up an elaborate pulley system in my basement. The rope was secured to a table leg with a length of string. It runs thru three pulleys so that the string is parallel to the floor. The second pulley takes the rope to the ceiling and parallel to the floor to the third pulley. The rope then drops to the floor.
I attach weights of different size to the rope at various levels. A two pound weight at tit level, a seven and a half pound weight at crotch level, and another two pounds just below the five pound but with enough separation to act independently.
Before I tie myself to a support post, I set a handcuff key on an ice cube that is resting on two nails in the joists. The key is attached to a string so that when the ice melts, the key will drop down to my hands. I also light a candle that has been waxed to the floor. (I prefer the little birthday candles as they suit the situation very well.) The candle will eventually sever the string allowing the weights to fall. Safety police will note that the candle is on a concrete floor so no chance of fire.
When tying myself to the support pole, I secure my ankles with a chain that will not allow me to step forward toward the rope holding the weights. I use two two inch straps to hold my back against the pole. One strap above and one below my tits.
I have already attached a one inch velcro strap around my balls, stretching them, with a leather lace that separates my balls and hangs over the top of the strap. I also have a medium sized butt plug inserted into my ass with another leather strap attached. A pair of Japanese clovers are attached to my tiny male nipples. A nice collar is in place and also keeps me from pulling my head away from the support pole. And finally a blindfold is ready to pull over my eyes.
Just prior to locking the cuffs behind the pole, I attach the nipple clamps and the leather laces from the ball stretcher and butt plug to chains attached to the appropriate weights on the rope. More than two pounds will pull the clovers off my tits too quickly. Eight pounds will pull the velcro strap off my nuts. And two pounds tugs at my sphincter without pulling it out right away.
With the weights attached, I pull the blindfold over my eyes and lock my hands behind my back. I know the weights will drop, just not when. My heart is pounding in my chest. My cock is rock hard. The anticipation is fantastic.
Sometimes I will place needles just under my tits. The needle is secured by the strap around my chest and the points of the needles are resting just below my nipples.
Then the candle does its part. I can hear the rope singing through the pulleys and the sound of the chains as they drop. I know the pain is at hand, but it seems like hours before it really hits home. My nipples are stretched downward, impaling them on the needles and tightening the clovers. The heavy weight stretches my testicles and provides a constant pressure. The plug is trying to slip out of me.
I have to wait until the ice melts to free myself. The basement is unheated and it usually takes a while for that to happen. I endure the situation until the key drops.
Some dominant women find the male desire to be humiliated difficult to deal with.
For various reasons, humiliation is one of the hardest limits I have, either doing and especially receiving. I have nothing against it in principle, and I don’t mind other folks doing it but it’s just not something I myself could do as I am so vehemently against receiving it. Unless, of course, the person I was dishing out humiliation to was my ex-boyfriend, but that is a long long story, and I think it would go beyond humiliation into the realm of severe degradation. But I digress. I suppose I might could get into the stride of it eventually if it was truly something Hubby wished for me to do to him, but it is not something we have really talked about yet, as he knows my sensitivity for the issue.
He does, however, enjoy feminization, which he doesn’t think of as humiliating at all. I sometimes have to tell him “NO. I want to wear it FIRST, thank you.” when I bring home a new piece of lingerie. And yes, he gets a good spanking when he dares to look better in it than I do, which has happened…
Humiliation, I think, is all a matter of perception for the one humiliating and the one being humiliated. As such, I believe it has more impact if you know your play-partner more intimately than a “just a hello” basis. For example, Hubby has no compunction about dressing up in odd things (he has a passion for those oriental/east Indian diaper-pants whoosi-whatsis) and making him go out and about in public in a cloth diaper and t-shirt would be more fun for him than humiliating. He has enjoyed wearing make-up in public as well. (Yes, he is an exhibitionist that enjoys startling folks.) On the other hand, coloring some thick gel and affixing it to his nose (simulating constantly running snot) and making him go out and about would humiliate him beyond belief.
So, the trick with humiliation, I think, is to truly know what would mortify your partner, regardless of how small a thing it would seem, rather than going with what you think would.
Originally posted 2010-09-13 15:35:50.
F/m Genital Leash Torment
I love the idea of putting a leash on a man’s testicles. Yesterday I managed to get my boyfriend to let me try this on him again, and I was able to try out a couple of ideas I had thought of since my earlier post. I wanted to tell about it, in case there are other women out there who share my fetish for this.
First of all, I like to use the thick, soft clothesline, not a stiffer or narrower cord, which will rub & dig into skin of the scrotum. It’s much better to have the rope be comfortable on his skin, so that the effect when you pull comes from squeezing the testicles and pulling on them, rather than simply chafing the skin of the scrotum.
Use the rope to make 2 loops around, as described in the post I made here recently. If anyone wants me to repost the details of how to effectively attach the rope, let me know.
When I did this the last time my boyfriend was naked, and it was great. I get an incredible rush from the feeling of total dominance over him and from watching as the rope does its work on his nuts, squeezing, pulling and twisting all at the same time.
I love to see the alarm that comes over a man as his testicles are squeezed and pulled like this. It’s great fun when he’s naked, because he can feel it happening and he can also see it happening.
However, I found it was just as much fun to do it with his shorts on. Yesterday, with my boyfriend standing in his jockey shorts, and his hands cuffed behind him, I pulled his shorts down and put the rope on him.
Then I threaded the rope through the opening in the front of his shorts, and pulled them back up, with the rope extending out through the front of the opening. (I always wondered what that opening was good for!)
For starters, there’s a great visual effect, before you even begin pulling on the rope. Binding the testicles like this makes them protrude forward, so that with his jockey shorts on, they make a very prominent bulge in the material of his shorts.
Normally, when he is standing with his underpants on, I can make out the outline of his penis through the fabric, but the scrotum is just kind of shapeless, flattened up against his body under and behind his penis. But with the testicles bound, they jut forward and bulge prominently through the fabric and they actually protrude out in front of the penis. And because of the way the rope is looped around the scrotum, it stretches the skin of the scrotum over his balls so that it’s nice and smooth, and you can see both testicles individually outlined in the protruding bulge.
The visual effect is awesome.
Once it was ready, I sat him down on the floor, with his hands still cuffed behind him. Then I started pulling on the rope… not to get him to follow me around or to make him do something humiliating, but just for the sheer exhilaration of pulling his testicles! I found it works just as effectively with his shorts on as it does when he’s naked.
With the rope slack, it’s snug but not uncomfortable for him. Pull on the rope though, and the noose around his scrotum tightens, squeezing the testicles and pulling them away from his body. This focuses his attention like nothing else. With his shorts on, he can feel the noose squeezing, he can look down and see the rope straining through the opening in his underpants, but he can’t actually see what’s happening to his family jewels.
I think that frightened him even more than when he could watch it.
Then I had another idea. I had him lie back, and I pulled his underpants back down and disentangled the rope from them. His hands were still cuffed together behind his back. Then, standing over him, holding the leash in my hand, I made him crab-walk over to the bedroom door until I had him on the floor with his legs straddling the open door, and his hands on the floor behind him.
As I pulled his nuts up with the rope, he had to lift his butt up off the floor, so he was holding his body up in the air, his back arched, the door between his legs, holding himself off the ground with his thighs and back, with his testicles stretched upward, and in that position I tied the rope to the door handle!
I knew he couldn’t more last than a few minutes in that position. So I went off and made a phone call to a friend, talking so he could hear me, chatting about nothing important, and acting like I had completely forgotten about him. Within a few minutes I heard him whimper. I said into the phone, ‘Julia, hold on just a minute, I need to attend to something.’ I put the phone down, went over to him, and knowing that he was dying to have me release him, I said crossly, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone”, and I took the rope and hoisted him up another couple of inches.
Now he was using his wrists under the small of his back to help support himself. Then I went back and casually resumed the phone conversation for a couple of more minutes before I finally hung up and went over to him and untied his nuts from the door handle. His legs and back were so shaky from holding himself up in that position that he collapsed and couldn’t move for several minutes!
The authorship of this verse about corporal punishment is lost in the vastness of the web.
I wielded the flogger with fiendish desire
as I set your very skin on fire
your moans of pleasure and pain
felt like a warm summer rain
As I twirled the strips of painful leather
your eyes touched mine like a light feather
goading me on… wanting more and more
it reached something in my inner core
A deep pleasure that touches the very soul
and heats up slow like a glowing coal
each stroke brought pleasure unsurpassed
both of us were merged at last
I watched the welts raise in a lovely pink
my mind went blank I couldn’t think
it was an act of pure pain and passion
in a pure sexual fashion
My slave’s pain threshold unknown still
He repeats the words “Do as you will”
my mind reels with anticipation and suspense
as I plan the next pain experience
My body on fire from flogging my slave
his red from the punishment I gave
I lick his welts with loving ecstasy
as he thanks me for this fantasy
Originally posted 2010-11-02 20:11:09.