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In the early stages of a girlfriend led love affair, wife led marriage there’s often a mismatch of expectations and desires.
The submissive boyfriend or husband is ready to be – at least imagines he is – to be her compleat slave. The woman has just begun exploring.
Over time she’s likely to become more and more comfortable with exerting authority over her beloved. And her taste for sadistic games may well increase.
But he’s already pushing for more now. Expressing frustration and disappointment that she isn’t exerting more female dominance. Pushing someone to feel dominant is the last thing to do to make them feel empowered. And it may cause her to abandon being on top altogether.
If you’ve convinced the woman you love to begin taking control be grateful and patient. Make sure this new experience is comfortable.
Make her happy: you claim that is the goal don’t you?
Originally posted 2007-12-16 11:06:26.
Notes for Aspiring Submissive Boyfriends
Being boring isn’t victimless crime.
– Richard Evans Lee
Why should a dominant woman pay any attention to you if you are a person of no interesting. Wanting to be feminized, cuckolded and whipped in themselves don’t make a person interesting.
That is a matter of compatible BDSM needs and desires.
Nothing is more boring than a horny monomaniac who thinks he is submissive.
A life without irony isn’t worth living.
– Richard Evans Lee
Indeed humorless monomania foredooms a satisfying relationship of any sort.
Good natured of life’s failures, flubs, mishaps and folllies is necessary if anything more in a power exchange than vanilla relationship.
A sane dominant woman will appreciate a man who can smile through the disappointments. And who can make her smile.
The will to a system is a lack of integrity.
– Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Fixed rules, preconceptions, one true ways will only lead to failure.
Submission can’t be systemized except that it must include empathy, tenderness and mindfulness.
In fine:
- Be a man of good will and kindness.
- Don’t let your passion drive you crazy.
- Don’t let self appointed guardians of female domination fool you.
- Communicate: don’t just be a list of wants and do mes.
- Insert Here
Stuff like that. Roll your own.
Originally posted 2011-08-23 13:30:14.
(MyBlogLog shows this to be the second most popular page on this site.)
That the “Mistress / Wife” isn’t sufficiently demanding and bossy or enough of a disciplinarian is a common complaint among men in the early stages of attempting to establish a female led marriage.
This is inadvertent honesty. If the woman doesn’t want to be more than so assertive, controlling or punishing and the relationship is all about her pleasure then what could be the complaint?
The reality is that the submissive husband wants his jollies.
There’s no shame in that. But it is hypocritical to say it is all about her when it is at least as much about you.
Be honest that dominance and submission has to be mutual to work. The truth will diminish confusion and minimize feelings of hurt and neglect.
Originally posted 2008-05-16 10:00:29.
(Old newsgroup posting by Katharine Hawks.)
I do believe that “submitting to the feminine” is one of the more common patterns in F/m relationships.
Speaking for myself, that squicks me. I don’t want anyone submitting to the “feminine” in me. Blech. And while I’m content to use that energy to my advantage every once in a while, I only feel comfortable with it as a sideline or occasional subtext. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it as a mainstay.
For example, I was recently dressing for a party and I called my boy upstairs to help me dress. I was wearing a latex tank top and certainly enjoyed the way she got all drooly when I asked her to help apply the shine . It was also fun to have her help me pick out clothes — that moment between us was *very* gendered and were certainly playing off the “feminine mystique” stuff. I know she felt like she had entered a *secret girly world*.
I can also play occasionally with gender supremacy in the right context and enjoy that dynamic. But again, as a steady diet.. .blech.
This is because I don’t go through my life always experiencing my gender. Not all moments are gendered for me. Similarly, I cannot imagine a dynamic as rich as dominance/submission stemming *only* from a gender dynamic. While some of my power does come from my gender — most of it comes from other sources. From my experiences in life, from my perceptiveness, from my sense of ethics, from my sadism, from my intellect, by being a good decision-maker, by being open of heart, etc.
And I am more likely to be turned on by someone who submits to me because of these qualities rather than the uninteresting nature of the fact that I’m gendered. (Since most of us are gendered in some way, I don’t feel like that makes me unique or worthy of someone’s submission. I enjoy much more the sense that someone is submitting to me because of qualities that I’ve worked very hard to develop and nurture.)
Originally posted 2009-03-04 07:19:09.
My advice is to use what Is called domestic discipline.
You do not need to be an expert.
Find your tool.
Use a flat wooden hair brush, back scrubber, spatula, etc…a nice big wooden spoon works well and also is very quiet if privacy is needed . use the smooth back side of the spoon. Any of these will work, but I recommend buying a spanking paddle.
They are all over the net. However for beginners the wooden brush or spoon is very effective.
Now that you have your tool . You need to put him over your knee it must be done this way to gain a powerful presence over him .
Even if your man is a big burly guy you can position him over your knee easily it may take a few try to figure this out .
The only other way it should be done is with him bent over a chair with his behind in the air slightly. You will then have a powerful position over him.
begin the spanking by swatting light but fast to the dead center of one of his cheeks .Then the other, alternate between the two cheeks . Keep the swats in the same spot every time and always on the meaty part of his bottom. increase the strength as you go on
Be very verbal during this.Let him know why you are spanking him. Let him know who is in charge in your home. Let him know why you are mad with him . Ask him if he understands? ask him if he is going to be good.
The spanking should end when you feel satisfied or he is crying . Or he is complying to what ever it is you were trying to achieve.
After this has ended you will feel a great relief as well and he will have a whole new outlook.
ALL men will love and respect you for this. Most men pay me to do this do them.
One of the odd things about men who use the phrases loving female authority and female led relationships is their earnestness and sobriety.
Too often they sound like Baptists.
You are doing this for self-satisfaction. There’s no moral force in the universe commanding you to be submissive. You want it.
When contemplating erotic slavehood remember: there is pleasure in pleasing. And there’s no shame in that pleasure.
Happily the women make it sound more like fun than work.
Originally posted 2007-12-19 09:58:21.
Dominance, Submission, Bondage, Sadism, Masochism and Romantic Love
People who think power exchange and sadomasochism are exclusive with romantic passion are either ignorant or inexperienced. Or have only met desperate wacky masochists (which do wander the web in great numbers).
BDSM and Romance are not mutually exclusive, though sadly, much of the current erotica published for mass media out there seems to cater to the view that it has to be.
For me, I do not think I nearly as fulfilled after a scene when there is not some element of romance involved, and I believe the same can be said about Silk as well. I am able to slip ‘deeper’ into headspace when I feel that I am traveling those dark road out of love rather then doing a scene to get my ‘kink fix’. Of course, Silk and I have also been accused of being sickly sweet at times
It does also get under my skin a bit when look around sometimes and see so many do-me and (pain/bondage/whatever)sluts out there just letching Dom/mes for their next session. To me, a submissive should be looking for ways to sweep their partner off their feet, both in and out of scene…
Romance?
Originally posted 2012-05-12 06:37:57.
She dates you because she has affection for you. She married you because she loved you.
Don’t let your cravings cause you to forget that. She may allow you to act the servant but that isn’t why she bonded to you.
Lose perspective, lose her love, lose everything.
Originally posted 2007-12-18 13:03:19.
Dear submissive guys: don’t let anybody delude you into paying for an ebook or special course designed to teach you how to be a submissive man, convert your wife into a dominatrix or win a Mistress.
Everything that you need to know about male submission and female dominance is out here on the web. Again and again: there is no secret, no hidden lore, any promise of special techniques is sheer bunk.
Being a good submissive man is mostly about being a good man, taking a pleasure in deference, needing to surrender to control. And often – hooray for masochism! – happiness in pain.
Your teachers are the men and women who have forged successful F/m relationships who write on their blogs and forums. Don’t even be tempted by the bogus offers you see on the web.
Originally posted 2009-01-19 14:00:21.
I’ve bitten my tongue many times to keep myself from saying this to some men. But the Marquise is so right:
Is it possible to “convert” a straight woman to be the domme of your dreams? No. It’s not only impossible but it’s morally wrong even to try. If a woman has domme tendencies that are dormant or repressed, then I am all for encouraging those traits to blossom; however, if it’s not in her nature, then any attempt to manipulate her into the role is wrong and will fail. …
Sadly, I’ve read of men who have kept on trying for twenty years or more.
But some women may discover they do enjoy some sort of – possibly very light – erotic dominance. If the man doesn’t present it in such a manner that she’ll react rather than reflect.
However, what we consider our nature can sometimes be due to a limited and prejudiced understanding. What is often needed is honest self searching and experimentation so that experience and reflection can open up new areas of pleasure.
Gently share your this part of your inner life with her. Let her see that it isn’t like the images presented in mass culture. Nowadays the idea of light bondage and spankings aren’t as shocking as they once were.
One approach to consider is explaining to your partner what submissiveness means to you. The stereotypical images the media disseminate about this lifestyle allow a lot of room for misunderstanding. Assuming this is the only information source available, it wouldn’t be unusual for a woman to deduce that a sub male is simply one who wishes to be beaten, though of course there is much more to it than that. There is now a lot of reading material that conveys the joy and pleasure of bdsm and you may want to think about introducing her to these.
The Marquise’s own site is one of those resources. As are some of the nicer blogs by loving D/s couples.
Read her entire article: Conversion
Originally posted 2011-01-17 06:42:31.
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