Female Led Relationships

Elsewhere I’ve written about both why I think it is often a good idea for people - particularly sunmissive men - to consider starting (and keeping) a blog about their desire for a female led relationship and what and how they should post to their blog..

How many of you I wonder have started and possible even continue to keep a blog focusing on your needs, fantasies and desires as a submissive male?

Is it (was it):

• Enjoyable
• Too Demanding
• Boring
• Helpful

If you haven’t but felt you’d like to or should, what would finally motivate you to act?

More advice about kinky bloging here and here.

Many writers on female domination appear only on the web. Some have been offering advice and stories before the web existed back when the internet consisted of newsgroups (now often called Google Groups), ARCHIE and FTP sites.

Have any helped in some way? Enriched your vision of female sadism, female over male power exchange?

Enhanced or clarified your understanding of your own and your partners’ - lovers and those you have scenes with - needs and desires?

Amused or entertained you?

Male and female.

Name names. Name as many as you like. Include bloggers. If you are nervous about showing partiality use a pseudonym.

Of the women who have published* books who has been the most valuable, useful for you personally?

• Barbara Abernathy
• Janet Hardy
• Mistress Nan
• Elise Sutton
• Claudia Varrin

Or some other published* writer I haven’t listed?

I was tempted to add Midiori but she falls into the class of writers who deal with fetish and power exchange without limiting herself by gender or orientation.

*No one who whose work is limited to the internet. That will be dealt with later.

There’s no lack of F/m forums, e.g., Orgasm Denial, my own Fetish Lore.

Do you participate in online discussion groups?

Why not?

As I’m documenting elsewhere I’m currently semi-engaged in a tentative search for a local top (my prior relationship ended last fall).

I was wondering if any of you have used CollarMe, Craigslist, Alt. Bondage and the like to find a dominant or submissive playmate or life partner.

What luck did you have?

I’m sure you have stories sad and bad - any funny ones?

I doubt Yahoo!’s engineers envisaged this question when they created Yahoo! Answers:

Is anyone practicing a Female-led relationship, and if so, how is it working for both of you?

The winning - or, rather, resolving, answer:

Who leads is not a problem if both parties agree that this is what works for them. There are Matriarchal relationships, even cities, and throughout history Societies. There are benefits for having a Female in charge/making decisions, usually it is a more peaceful and harmonious relationship. Once accepted, some “bumps” worked out, you may find it is ideal. It all comes down to your personalities and nature, afterall there can easily be mean spirited, abusive women, just as there is men who fall prey to those traits. Try it, you may like it, I had a relationship with a woman who was in charge and I enjoyed our time together.

Which garnered this comment:

I m in FLR for 3 1/2 yrs - our rel’ship is ever getting steady & very successful. I love & repect my wife as my only Sacred Goddess, Heroine, Leader & Guide. I learned ladies’ hair dressing, beauty & massage therapy, cuisine, house-keeping, etc to serve my Goddess-wife properly.

All sorts of things litter the world wide web.

Femdom Dating has been updated regularly of late.

(I wrote this a couple of years ago.)

(All occurrences of the word submissive below are surrounded by invisible inverted commas.)

Two stern looking women wearing corsets and a innocent seeming lad clad only in a collar face the stage.

Out minces a man barely able to walk in stringent lady’s ballet shoes with an ironing board, an iron and a stack of clothes. After allowing him barely fifteen seconds of demonstrating his skill at performing household chores in humiliating discomfort one of the women hits the buzzer.

He won’t be collared as America’s Truest Submissive.

In the other day’s note on labels I ignored what is possibly the most hoary gambit in BDSM: what defines a real, card carrying, authentic, genuine, government certified, true submissive.

Then I saw the wearying old debate rising once again from the grave.

Have you ever worried that you aren’t truly submissive or that your husband, partner is not?

Abstractions aren’t helpful. If anything they can be deadly. This doesn’t stop some people from fretting about it like theologians. Even the simple-minded are rarely so simply reduced.

Thinking about the issue only within romantic D/s: do you really love your partner? Does making her happy expand your own happiness? Do you strive to be mindful, increase the ease of her daily life? Willing to defer your own pleasures even forgo them?

Hey, you must be pretty darned submissive.

OK. Well do you feel that service is tainted if colored by erotic feelings?

Nonsense.

Where do you think the drive to submit comes from? Erotic fulfillment is in there somewhere. Orgasm denial isn’t an argument against this: many men find chastity sexually gratifying. Even the most detached service submissive has some sort of erotic pleasure – even if invisibly – caressing his back brain.

Do you feel your submission isn’t pure enough because you have your own desires. Purity of intent is fine. No one is without hopes and needs. Fibbing to yourself about that is asking for disaster.

Self-sacrifice can be a beautiful act. Or self-destruction. Depends on keeping it within proportion. I’ve damaged my own life by letting my desire to give get out of hand. (Not with Alexandra.)

As I wrote a few days ago in the beginning out our relationship I did wonder if the desire to surrender was really part of my makeup. We all have doubts about ourselves or find self-definition difficult.

Is she happy with you? Are you happy with her? If the answer is yes then you must be true enough.

If not then it is time to talk and negotiate. Never try to live up to someone else’s imaginary rules.

You want to meet a dominant woman.

Ok, fair enough. Do you sabotage your chances? Are you too inhibited to greet a woman? So horribly shy that you can’t even say “Hi.”?

Isn’t that a subtle form of selfishness? Isn’t it essentially demanding that she do all the social exertion? Is there some reason she should feel so inclined?

From what many dominant women write on the web they expect many of the same courtesies and amenities that vanilla women do when being courted by a man.

That means that you can’t be a wallflower and expect luck. Besides your shyness is just a form of ego protection isn’t it?

That foolish belief that it is better to have nothing than to have a woman say “No.”?

Remember: consensual erotic power exchange – whatever phrase or group of initials you use to describe it – is about self-fulfillment. Fulfillment for two or more people.

If the bottom, submissive person, slave isn’t happy then he or she will leave. Or be as sad as anyone forcing themselves to stay in a failed relationship.

Likewise the top, mistress, dome must feel that the specific exchange going on with the other person makes her life better and complete.

People who try to live in terms of sexist propaganda, silly sociology, rotten history, idiotic politics and damnable anthropology will be miserable.

There is no one true way. No right way. But any way that is honorable, honest and satisfying can work.

Have you ever wondered why there are single dominant women …

Nice, humane, interesting dominant women …

Who don’t appear to be monsters or fools …

Who are single and wondering why they can’t meet a submissive guy who matches their needs?

If you could offer someone looking for a female led relationship, one rooted in loving female authority what advice would you give him?

What would you suggest – if he were single – he do to find the right woman?

How would you counsel him if he were already married or had a serious girlfriend?

Many submissive males are enamored of images of personal dictatorship. They are so hungry for authority that perhaps unwittingly they forget that dominance and submission is a form of relationship.

Some D/s play is done in a fairly impersonal fashion. But the ‘malesubs’ I’m thinking of don’t think that cleanly. Their penis - yes! - is going “Dominate me! Dominate me!” They are looking for matri-fascism.

I think it is fair to say that many dominant women are looking for a guy to dominate - playfully or otherwise - are seeking friendship as well. Friendship - tenderness and the like - enhance dominance and submission. They don’t want to settle for less: probably will not settle for less.

If you are looking for an authoritarian relationship you need to think about offering your friendship as well as your obedience.

Blogs written by real dominant and sadistic women and not those written by horny men in psychic drag consistently repeat a preference for strong men.

Evolutionary forces gave women a preference for strong men. At least strong in mind and heart.

And it is a strong man who is valued most when he kneels.

Don’t think submission makes weakness appealing. Turning yourself into a weakness may cause her to really despise: it won’t just be play.

That is another way you can lose her.