Femdom Fetish Questionnaire

Personal Fetish Inventory Checklist

Femdom Fetishes

I don’t know how many dominant women invite or want this kind of personal inventory.

But for people who will eventually really engage in F/m power exchange and sadomasochism – not the wankers – then a catalog like this can give you an opportunity to evaluate your own needs and limits. Real people have both.

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Submissive vs Fetishist: Oversimplification

Stereotypical Value Judgments

Weirdo Fetishist

This captures distinctions and nuances that aren’t reduced to simple black and white judgements:

In my thinking, “fetishist” is a broader term than “submissive” in the sense that a submissive has fetishized certain specific things — servitude, giving up of power in a relationship, humiliation. A submissive is still a fetishist, ultimately, just one with a particular focus.

So one way I interpret your comment is that you feel there are significant numbers of ostensibly submissive guys who have not in fact fetishist these sorts of abstractions that comprise submission; but are instead more into fetishizing objects, or particularly the objectification of their partner as a fetish-object. If this is the sense you intend, then I largely agree.

It’s a difficult distinction because there is, in fact, a gradation (rather than a distinction) as to what people have as their “core fetish” (if there is such a thing). Jon Jacobs solves this problem by saying that a true submissive has by definition fetishized total powerlessness at a very deep level. But I’m not sure how useful such a narrow definition is — it tends to lead to a correspondingly narrow paradigm as to what should constitute d/s practice.

Adding to the definitional problem is a certain cultural effect. I believe society as a whole tends towards objectifying female sexuality, more so than male sexuality. When this tendency is interposed with a female dominant / male submissive dynamic, often the result is a powerful objectification of the female dominant — creating a strong image of a fetish-object top, which is both sought after by the submissive partner, and used by the dominant partner to control the submissive’s responses.

While there is of course nothing wrong with this, there _can_ be a conflict of interest between being the dominant partner in a d/s exchange, and being highly objectified. I believe (again, just my current opinion) that female dominants find themselves grappling with this potential conflict, more so than male dominants. (I also believe this effect is partly responsible above-mentioned “bad image” that fetishists, particularly male-submissive-fetishists, sometimes end up with.)

The worst ever slave, and responsibility

Originally posted 2011-01-07 10:47:59.

Pure Happiness of Submission

My Pleasure in Being Submissive and Masochistic

Individuality – we each express who we are without regard to the bogus conventions, sham rules and kindred nonsense that is often propounded as truths on the web.

Erotic Beauty – Ordinary people they say have fifteen minutes of sex a few times a week. Pneumatic action followed by sleep. In our power exchange “sex” can last for hours and the afterglow for days. (Yeah, this is two words.)

Pet – I’m in love and on my knees. Resting my head on her knee and waiting for her hand to brush the back of my neck is one of the happiest spaces I can go to.

Creature – (Not really explored. But I want ten.) Less than human object. Existing to be used: inarticulate, obedient without thought.

Slave – My will vanishes. There seems to be an invisible wire that leads from her brain to mine. My brain becomes quiet, if I think it is only to make sure I obey.

Helpless – How odd it is to be a man who must struggle to reach these states. Thankfully chains and cuffs can help me find my way there.

Pain – I almost laugh as I type that word. My mind harks back to being bound at the dining room entry as she hit me. Would that next blog of the quirt be too much or not enough? Before she comes back I will go to my rose garden and cut a thick stem.

Suffering – As she hurts me it feels as if she is eating my heart like it is a rare delicacy. There is more than mere physical suffering to be explored.

Surrender – I prefer this word to submission. (And despise “sub” and “subbie.”) Doing what I’m told or really merely asked meshes deeply with my needs.

Worship – this is where the surrender is purest, becomes beatific. When this overcomes me I wish I were telepathic. There are no words, is no action with which I can really let her feel what is flowing through my heart.

(I got a note saying that someone on Informed Consent swiped this without credit. Rereading it I find I still enjoy it and thought I’d repost the list here.

Originally posted 2014-01-14 14:29:18.

Signs of Honest Male Submission

Obedience Guideline for Submissive Males

Promises complete obedience to his Mistress.

Honors and reveres his Mistress at all times.

Works joyfully at every task given him by his Mistress.

Accepts as deserved any humiliation or punishment, his Mistress judges necessary.

Dresses in accordance to his instructions from his Mistress.

Treats with reverence all property belonging to his Mistress.

Accepts the fact he is the property of his Mistress.

It is a privilege to be allowed to serve his Mistress.

Accepts the fact he has no right to withdraw for Her service but She has the right to dismiss him from Her service.

His sexual powers are entirely under Her control and never to be used for his own gratification.

Submissive Men Who Crave Punishment

From a very old conversation of bottom’s profound satisfaction in the experience of being punished.

For me, as a male submissive, obedience and punishment are one of the main things they make play satisfying.

For me, in order to be satisfying obedience has to involve doing things that I dislike at least a little bit or find difficult. If I’m simply being asked to do things that I have no problem with, then I have no sense of the dominant having power over me.

It’s not hard for a dominant to learn to dance to this rhythm. If she asks me to wash the dishes, then I will certainly do it, but for me this is a case of safeword “beige,” because I really don’t mind washing dishes. If she wants to make it a little more exciting (not that everything in a scene has to be exciting), then she can say, “Wash the dishes and when you’re done, come and kiss my feet.” No big deal, but it gives me a little bit of satisfaction.

For me, for obedience play to be satisfying, there must be punishment, or at the least a very credible threat of punishment.

I believe that punishment needs to be in some way satisfying for both partners.

For me, for one thing, this means that it has to be real, not pretend. It has to be something that I really do dislike and will make an effort to avoid. The ideal is for punishment to be something I’m afraid of. In any case, the most important thing is that it needs to be effective. If my attitude is something like, “Oh, I know I’ll get whipped for doing this, but I don’t mind,” then the integrity of the play is lost and there’s no satisfaction in it for me.

It’s very exciting to me to show up at a femdomme’s place and know that I am going to be required to do something that will be very difficult for me and that some specific very dreadful thing may be done to me if I don’t manage to do it satisfactorily.

Even a “smart-assed sadist” scene, where the dominant has puposely set things up so that I will inevitably screw up no matter how hard I try, will to some extent fall flat unless the punishment is to some extent genuinely unpleasant. That’s what makes it fun, after all, the dominant knowing that she gets to do things to the submissive which he really doesn’t like. That’s what gives her the satisfaction of being more than merely the life-support system for a whip. And it’s also what gives me satisfaction.

Something like whipping or caning can actually be okay for punishment, but if so it needs to really hurt. As I said before, it should be an *outrage*, so that my inner thought is something like, “Goddamn it! You really hurt me!” It doesn’t need to be really heavy duty though or draw blood.

One of the things about DS that is most exciting for me, in fact, is a woman who is very good at figuring out the things that I hate and then doing them to me.

And yes, for me, punishment should sometimes be exciting. Exciting and also unpleasant and effective. I don’t find these at all contradictory.

Corner time won’t do it for me, because for me that’s just boring and it’s not something I will make a big effort to avoid. Holding a dime pressed against the wall with my nose makes it a little more satisfying, because there’s an element of humiliation in that. Humiliation is, for me, a very good thing to include in punishment. Ideally, to be punished is to be shamed. There is a shame in the fact that I have been bad or forgetful or whatever and am being punished for it.

Writing lines is something I don’t think I’ve ever actually done. It might work, depending on the content (it should be something stupid and humiliating) and the attitude of the dominant. If she just takes a quick look at it, then I think this would not really be good, because it would be too easily for me to think, “Okay, so I have to write ‘I will be a good slave’ a hundred times. Boring, but I can do that easily enough.” But if she examines it closely and punishes me for all the places where I left out a word or misspelled it or my writing was illegible, then that might work.

When I played for a while with a woman who really liked water sports, I eventually learned to be willing to drink piss. But I still find it quite distasteful, and for me there’s something very oppressive about having a water bottle filled with piss sitting nearby and knowing that any time I screw up a little I’m going to have to drink a swallow of it.

Oppressive is good. That’s the feeling of compulsion that really makes a scene work for me. The feeling that I have no choice but to do what I’m required to and to do it perfectly.

Licking a woman’s boots is no big deal, as far as I’m concerned. Not difficult and not exciting. But I was once playing with a femdomme when there was a male top present, and after ordering me to kiss her shoe, which I had no problem with, she ordered me to kiss his boots. (This was a woman who really knew what all my buttons were!) And I was very very happy when he objected because he had just very thoroughly shined the boots, so she had me do something else instead. So I think that requiring me to give a male’s boots a thorough going-over with my tongue would be a punishment that I would do everything possible to avoid.

One can make the punishment fit the crime. If a sub forgets to put the toilet seat down, for instance, then have him hold his head over the bowl and shove it in, holding it down in there for maybe half a minute. He’s not likely to forget again. (Obviously this is not a good thing to do if you use one of those cleaners that colors the water blue.)

For me, anyway, a really good scolding can be a very effective punishment, if done well. The sort of scolding that belittles the person. A thorough “dressing down.” The sort of scolding that an army drill sargeant would give, although it doesn’t need to be done in a loud tone of voice.

Obviously TammyJo and I are attracted by very different kinds of play. Now let me comment more specifically on a few things where from my perspective she has missed the point.

A dominant can inflict on me even the most drastic sort of punishment just because she wants to, and it’s very exciting to me to know that she can do such a dreadful thing to me merely for her amusement. Of I might even pay her to do that, because I want to know what the experience is like. But that’s different from punishment.

The prodomme who ordered me to brush my teeth with soap didn’t do it as a punishment. She had told me that she had often had fantasies about washing a slave’s mouth out with soap, but had never felt that it would be okay to do. And I told her that I would be okay with her doing that to me. So the next time I saw her, she did, and I was glad to have the chance to find out what it was like, but it was quite dreadful and experiencing it once was quite enough.

If I’d gone on seeing her, and if she started doing that frequently, I would not have liked it. I would have dreaded it. Every time I went to see her, I would have been thinking, “Oh, God, I hope she’s not going to put soap in my mouth again,” because, as I’ve mentioned, it takes about half a day to get rid of that damned soap taste. But it would have also been exciting to know that she had the power to do something to me which I hated that much. But in order for something like this to work, I have to know that the dominant is really getting off on doing it. If I start getting the feeling that for her it’s routine, just a part of her shtick, then I start thinking, “Why should I let someone do something like this to me?”

But that’s different from punishment. The excitement, for me, in punishment lies in being punished, not in the physical sensation or psychological distastefulness. It’s the excitement of knowing that I have no choice but to obey.

If this same dominant had ever punished me for speaking out of turn by soaping my mouth, that would have been 100% effective. From that time forward, I would never have spoken a word during one of our scenes unless given permission, now matter how much I wanted to say something. And knowing that I was so completely controlled in this way would have been very satisfying to me.

But if I did, some time in the future, speak even one word out of turn and she had let that pass, then some of the energy would have been lost from our relationship.

I was once in a relationship with a woman where we did a certain amount of DS. She whipped me from time to time, very painfully but not nearly often enough (less than once a month), and sometimes I complained about the fact that she didn’t whip me more often.

One evening she gave me a thorough whipping, and afterwards asked, “Do you know why I whipped you tonight?” I had no idea, and she said, “The other day you were sitting in your chair reading a magazine and I was talking to you and you just kept reading your magazine. I don’t like that. When I’m talking to you I want your one hundred per cent attention.”

Now even though this punishment was no different from many other times I had been whipped, and even though I actually would have preferred her to whip me more often, it was still totally effective. From that time on, any time I was reading and she started talking to me, I put the magazine face down on the floor.

Now to tell the truth, to a large extent I was creating my own private fantasy situation here. I didn’t need to actually put the magazine down, I knew her well enough to know that she would have been completely satisfied if I’d simply looked up from it and maintained eye contact with her. (But I also know she did enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that I was so afraid of punishment that I was actually doing more than she would have required.) And in fact, if I’d chosen to ignore the punishment and not changed my behavior at all, I’m sure that she would have just essentially shrugged her shoulders. For her, I believe, the real satisfaction was in being able to punish me that one time, when she was in the mood. The fact that she actually changed my behavior was for her, I believe, a bonus.

But she got more than she would have really insisted on, because what we were doing was satisfying to both of us. I was able to make myself believe in what I actually knew was only a fantasy, namely that anytime I didn’t immediately lay the magazine down on the floor I would be whipped. And that gave both of us what we wanted.

Rest of discussion with comments by many.

Originally posted 2012-10-12 07:12:14.

Why Submissive Men Think They Want Cruel Women

The Craving for Sadistic Bitches

Cruel Sadistic Girls

I certainly had to deal with his in myself. My guess is that it is the pressure of living too long in fantasy. The more one’s desire remains unfulfilled the crazier your imagination gets.

I am increasingly frustrated in my search for a new submissive male. It seems like my choices are inexperienced men who may or may not turn out to be submissive, or the experienced ones all seem to want the cruel, sadistic, bitch type of Mistress. I am not exactly sure why this is, but my guess is the only role models our culture has for strong women are those who are considered bitches. The perception is powerful women are ruthless, self absorbed, tough and driven. Why does dominance have to equal bitchiness? While I am doing a scene I am demanding, which could be considered bitchy. I am sadistic and mean by intent, as part of a process, but that is not who I am as a person. I am capable, strong, intense, assertive, and confident. I have been told I can be bossy or controlling, but those are not traits I wish to emulate. I am for the most part warm, caring and nurturing; does this make me less dominant? I

Why do submissive men want bitches?

Originally posted 2011-01-09 20:03:22.


Recently someone left a comment to rather forcibly let me know that he didn’t think the scenario was brutal. My correspondent evidently endures hours of scream worthy corporal punishment.

Hooray for him.

Our bodies and minds aren’t identically constructed. The physiological ability to handle physical pain and the masochistic gift to process it erotically are individual to each of us.

Sure I know many sadists really like masochists who can really take it rough. But the best sadists understand the subjectivity of S&M and that it isn’t an Olympic sport. They can appreciate that for some people thirty minutes with a flogger is the most they can take.

Treating masochism as a competitive event is risky since it can motivate a bottom to try to endure more than he or she should. It can be another form of rape.

‘Manly’ masochists should relish their own capacity but otherwise just shut up.

Kajirus: Male Slaves of Gor

When serving, a kajirus should serve Mistresses in nadu position, and Masters in tower; this is out of respect for gender. the quotes below, help to explain, the male slave and the strength it takes to be……

But most perhaps, incredible as it might seem, I feared that if I asked for a kindness, even a word or a gesture, it would be refused. Alone and slave, beaten and degraded, I found myself desperately in need of something, be it almost nothing, to indicate that I was a man, a human being, something that might, to some extent or degree, be worthing of respect or understanding. I think that if she, this proud woman, before whom I felt myself nothing, she my Mistress, if she had but cared to speak a word of simple kindness to me I might have cried out with gladness, willingly serving her in all things she asked. But if I should but beg a kindness, humbly, I feard it might be refused, that she might reject me in this as she had in all other things, my manhood and my humanity. And fused with this, excruciating in the pain of it, was my desire for her, the crying out of my blood that she had so, and deliberately, aroused.

Raiders of Gor

Male slaves are mainly enslaved for economic reasons, as cheap labor. The Gorean philosophy of “natural order” supports female slavery but it does not support male slavery. Gorean society though recognizes the validity, legality and economic necessity of male slavery. It is a more practical decision and not one based on a deeper philosophy. Under these justifications, anyone can be enslaved. Not all societal institutions need be based on an underlying philosophical foundation. Some are simply practical concepts.

Few male slaves are considered valuable and they generally do not garner high prices, even at auction. The primary exceptions are male silk slaves and exotics. The normal high price for a male slave, not a silk slave or exotic, is a silver tarsk. Many female slaves would sell for more than that amount. There are also very few male slaves with long pedigrees. There are few reasons to breed male slaves except as exotics. Nearly any Gorean man can serve as a typical work slave.

The most common types of male slaves are the work slaves. They are usually used on cargo galleys, mines, great farms or as porters on wharves. Port Kar, Cos and Tyros utilize thousands of male galley slaves. Many cities use male slaves for some of the more unpleasant labor in the cities, such as in the refuse pits or cleaning the public baths. Some slaves may pull wagons in teams. Most men work on chains with other slaves. In some cities like Ar, an unchained male slave is rarely ever seen. Work gangs commonly consist of fifty to one hundred men though they may be as large as one thousand men. They are commonly considered to be cheap and expendable labor.

Free work chains also exist as slaves are not permitted to engage in certain construction work. Work slaves are not used for road construction, siege works, erecting walls, or the construction of temples and public buildings. In many respects though, free chains are often not much different from slaves. Many free chains consist of criminals. These criminals have been sold, for a nominal fee, to work gang leaders to serve out the rest of their sentence as a laborer. Though they are technically supposed to be freed when their prison term would be up not all are. Some work masters create stringent rules for their workers. If you violate one of these rules, it will add time onto your sentence. The rules are created so most of the workers will violate them at some point, effectively keeping the workers much longer than their original sentence. The workers are commonly kept under slave discipline and the work master can do anything he wants to them, including killing them.

Probably the lowest of all work slaves are the salt slaves of Klima. Klima is located deep in the dune country of the Tahari region. Its exact location is a well kept secret. Thousands of salt slaves work there to extract salt from brine pits, generally by drilling or flush mining. Salt slaves are taken there on foot. They are hooded, chained and led through the desert. Many never make it as far as Klima. Escape from Klima is nearly impossible and no one until Tarl Cabot had ever escaped from there. No kaiila are permitted there and there is no water for a thousand pasangs. No women are permitted there and the workday is from dawn to dusk. It is brutal work and few slaves last too long there.

From Kajirus Basics (#19, Version 5.0)

Silk slaves:
“A male slave kept by Free Women as sexual toys, handsome and sometimes pretty by male standards, these slaves are often muscular and manly, as Free Women love having strong men at their feet, this can be dangerous if the slave doesn’t know his place or wishes to be free. At the present time there is a city ordinance in Ar which restricts the sexual use, or “couching” of slaves by Free Women, due to the widespread belief that the physical charms of precious Free Women are reserved only for the free.”

“I lifted my chained wrists. ‘Why am I chained?’ I asked. ‘What a stupid fool you are,’ she said. Then she walked about me, whip in hand. ‘Yet you are a pretty one,’ she said. ‘To a woman you might not be unattractive.’

“Then she stood again before me. I shrank back in the chains. I was acutely conscious of the clasp of the steel on my wrists and ankles. She approached me and with the coils of the whip, tapped the metal on my neck. ‘This is a collar.’ she said. Then , with her left hand, she jerked at the metal piece attached to the collar. From the way it felt I gathered that it was as I had suspected, a ring. Then it fell back against the collar and against my collarbone. She then stepped back, and regarded me. Never had I been looked upon so objectively by a woman. ‘I think you will do very nicely,’ she said.

Fighting Slave of Gor

Female slaves normally despise male slaves. They consider themselves the rightful property of only free persons. It is considered a great shame for a female slave to have to touch a male slave. Male slaves though are often permitted to have a female slave for their pleasure, especially as a reward. But, a male slave might be killed for touching a female slave without permission. Female slaves show contempt toward male slaves because they do not see them as real men, because they have been made slave.

Usually, but not always. Although “kajirus” technically refers to all Gorean male slaves, there’s one type in particular that raises the hackles on the backs of most Gorean men — the willing male slave. Especially, the willing sex slave … a man who of his own choice gave up his freedom, who realized that it was his true nature to submissively fulfill the wishes of a woman (or possibly a man) … and thereby becoming an object of desire.

Why Gorean Men Hate Kajirus So Much

Originally posted 2014-02-21 18:15:52.

Verbal Masochism

Spoken S&M – Verbal BDSM

Verbal abuse should be dropped from the list of consensual sadomasochistic fetishes. The term has terrible associations. Verbal sadism (or masochism) fits better for those of us who want to participate in it knowingly.

I’m not going to get in the rut of writing about it. But just as physical sadists are sometimes uncomfortable with emotional S&M even those who don’t mind (ideally enjoy) inflicting humiliation cannot handle verbal sadism.

Why am I am a verbally masochistic man? I have a muddy perception of the sources of these desires. Of primal origin, in the sense that they emerge most likely from earliest childhood. (I was not abuse so don’t be upset.) Maybe one day I’ll make another attempt to outline my personal – probably crackpot – theory.

Because of this fetish’s deep roots it is one of the most moving and powerful experiences that I can have in the context of BDSM.

I do not need it to be happy. Or to be satisfied with a top. But the top who could speak to me with the right tone would be granting me a great grace.

I have copious, fluid and wide ranging sexualities. More narrow masochists may experience this as a serious need. And the bottom may not understand this clearly. It is something the dominant person should be aware of in hopes of understanding why an otherwise likeable submissive person isn’t content. Perhaps even becomes faithless and leaves.

Unexamined Masochism

I want to emphasize that many submissive persons do not fully understand their desires. Cannot articulate them. This is true of many people in many situations.

Being mindful of this may make you better able to evaluate a potential play partner. Or understand the failure of a D/s love affair.

When Men Are Bought, Sold & Traded

If in the future men become a higher form of livestock the transition into the status of property the whole psychology of male life will change.


Only exceptionally worthwhile, desirable and lucky males will form strong bonds of affection with a woman. The status gulf between the sexes will be too vast for a continuation of romantic love; something that is often a transitory state, an illusion even now.

For economic or social benefit, males will be bought, sold and traded. A man may find himself the property of several women over his lifetime of servitude.

This will be a great emotional hardship for the earliest generation of enslaved males. In the long run the loss of attachments will make for more docile, thus more useful slave men.