More Than Kink & Fetish

More Than S&M and D/s

Loving Romantic Female Domination Male Submission

Part of an entry I wrote on my personal site over a year ago. We all have our moments of confusion, desires can be inconstant things. As a couple we’re full of simple love and we always strive to talk. So the uncertainties resolve themselves.

It may surprise some of you that I don’t think about dominance and submission most of the time. Life has many other needs and requirements.

Especially right now. When my libido flags, as it unkindly does at times, I lose my connection not just to my penis but also the joys of masochism and surrender.

Spooks me a bit. It as if something has been taken away from me. Suddenly I look at my desires with puzzlement. Only a little, I miss feeling them.

Makes me worry that she’ll need for me to become her slave and while I will comply my heart won’t be fully in it. She has a discerning eye for the depth and quality of my surrender however much I try to offer a simulacrum. I think that was a problem only once.

And one of the pleasures of our mutual exploration is that she has gained increasing insight into how to bring forth in me what she requires.

Really I can’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t happily lick her boots.

I’ve gotten sidetracked.

What I wanted to explain is that as much as I enjoy her taking me as her slave the thoughts that first come to my mind when I think of her return are often of other things.

Nibbling her earlobe, digging my tongue into her belly button.

I’m so very lucky to have found someone with whom I can share a full spectrum of experiences.

Originally posted 2011-01-01 15:32:25.

Femdom Fetish Questionnaire

Personal Fetish Inventory Checklist

Femdom Fetishes

I don’t know how many dominant women invite or want this kind of personal inventory.

But for people who will eventually really engage in F/m power exchange and sadomasochism – not the wankers – then a catalog like this can give you an opportunity to evaluate your own needs and limits. Real people have both.

[Read more...]

Submissive vs Fetishist: Oversimplification

Stereotypical Value Judgments

Weirdo Fetishist

This captures distinctions and nuances that aren’t reduced to simple black and white judgements:

In my thinking, “fetishist” is a broader term than “submissive” in the sense that a submissive has fetishized certain specific things — servitude, giving up of power in a relationship, humiliation. A submissive is still a fetishist, ultimately, just one with a particular focus.

So one way I interpret your comment is that you feel there are significant numbers of ostensibly submissive guys who have not in fact fetishist these sorts of abstractions that comprise submission; but are instead more into fetishizing objects, or particularly the objectification of their partner as a fetish-object. If this is the sense you intend, then I largely agree.

It’s a difficult distinction because there is, in fact, a gradation (rather than a distinction) as to what people have as their “core fetish” (if there is such a thing). Jon Jacobs solves this problem by saying that a true submissive has by definition fetishized total powerlessness at a very deep level. But I’m not sure how useful such a narrow definition is — it tends to lead to a correspondingly narrow paradigm as to what should constitute d/s practice.

Adding to the definitional problem is a certain cultural effect. I believe society as a whole tends towards objectifying female sexuality, more so than male sexuality. When this tendency is interposed with a female dominant / male submissive dynamic, often the result is a powerful objectification of the female dominant — creating a strong image of a fetish-object top, which is both sought after by the submissive partner, and used by the dominant partner to control the submissive’s responses.

While there is of course nothing wrong with this, there _can_ be a conflict of interest between being the dominant partner in a d/s exchange, and being highly objectified. I believe (again, just my current opinion) that female dominants find themselves grappling with this potential conflict, more so than male dominants. (I also believe this effect is partly responsible above-mentioned “bad image” that fetishists, particularly male-submissive-fetishists, sometimes end up with.)

The worst ever slave, and responsibility

Originally posted 2011-01-07 10:47:59.

Pure Happiness of Submission

My Pleasure in Being Submissive and Masochistic

Individuality – we each express who we are without regard to the bogus conventions, sham rules and kindred nonsense that is often propounded as truths on the web.

Erotic Beauty – Ordinary people they say have fifteen minutes of sex a few times a week. Pneumatic action followed by sleep. In our power exchange “sex” can last for hours and the afterglow for days. (Yeah, this is two words.)

Pet – I’m in love and on my knees. Resting my head on her knee and waiting for her hand to brush the back of my neck is one of the happiest spaces I can go to.

Creature – (Not really explored. But I want ten.) Less than human object. Existing to be used: inarticulate, obedient without thought.

Slave – My will vanishes. There seems to be an invisible wire that leads from her brain to mine. My brain becomes quiet, if I think it is only to make sure I obey.

Helpless – How odd it is to be a man who must struggle to reach these states. Thankfully chains and cuffs can help me find my way there.

Pain – I almost laugh as I type that word. My mind harks back to being bound at the dining room entry as she hit me. Would that next blog of the quirt be too much or not enough? Before she comes back I will go to my rose garden and cut a thick stem.

Suffering – As she hurts me it feels as if she is eating my heart like it is a rare delicacy. There is more than mere physical suffering to be explored.

Surrender – I prefer this word to submission. (And despise “sub” and “subbie.”) Doing what I’m told or really merely asked meshes deeply with my needs.

Worship – this is where the surrender is purest, becomes beatific. When this overcomes me I wish I were telepathic. There are no words, is no action with which I can really let her feel what is flowing through my heart.

(I got a note saying that someone on Informed Consent swiped this without credit. Rereading it I find I still enjoy it and thought I’d repost the list here.

Originally posted 2014-01-14 14:29:18.

Signs of Honest Male Submission

Obedience Guideline for Submissive Males

Promises complete obedience to his Mistress.

Honors and reveres his Mistress at all times.

Works joyfully at every task given him by his Mistress.

Accepts as deserved any humiliation or punishment, his Mistress judges necessary.

Dresses in accordance to his instructions from his Mistress.

Treats with reverence all property belonging to his Mistress.

Accepts the fact he is the property of his Mistress.

It is a privilege to be allowed to serve his Mistress.

Accepts the fact he has no right to withdraw for Her service but She has the right to dismiss him from Her service.

His sexual powers are entirely under Her control and never to be used for his own gratification.

Submissive Men Who Crave Punishment

From a very old conversation of bottom’s profound satisfaction in the experience of being punished.

For me, as a male submissive, obedience and punishment are one of the main things they make play satisfying.

For me, in order to be satisfying obedience has to involve doing things that I dislike at least a little bit or find difficult. If I’m simply being asked to do things that I have no problem with, then I have no sense of the dominant having power over me.

It’s not hard for a dominant to learn to dance to this rhythm. If she asks me to wash the dishes, then I will certainly do it, but for me this is a case of safeword “beige,” because I really don’t mind washing dishes. If she wants to make it a little more exciting (not that everything in a scene has to be exciting), then she can say, “Wash the dishes and when you’re done, come and kiss my feet.” No big deal, but it gives me a little bit of satisfaction.

For me, for obedience play to be satisfying, there must be punishment, or at the least a very credible threat of punishment.

I believe that punishment needs to be in some way satisfying for both partners.

For me, for one thing, this means that it has to be real, not pretend. It has to be something that I really do dislike and will make an effort to avoid. The ideal is for punishment to be something I’m afraid of. In any case, the most important thing is that it needs to be effective. If my attitude is something like, “Oh, I know I’ll get whipped for doing this, but I don’t mind,” then the integrity of the play is lost and there’s no satisfaction in it for me.

It’s very exciting to me to show up at a femdomme’s place and know that I am going to be required to do something that will be very difficult for me and that some specific very dreadful thing may be done to me if I don’t manage to do it satisfactorily.

Even a “smart-assed sadist” scene, where the dominant has puposely set things up so that I will inevitably screw up no matter how hard I try, will to some extent fall flat unless the punishment is to some extent genuinely unpleasant. That’s what makes it fun, after all, the dominant knowing that she gets to do things to the submissive which he really doesn’t like. That’s what gives her the satisfaction of being more than merely the life-support system for a whip. And it’s also what gives me satisfaction.

Something like whipping or caning can actually be okay for punishment, but if so it needs to really hurt. As I said before, it should be an *outrage*, so that my inner thought is something like, “Goddamn it! You really hurt me!” It doesn’t need to be really heavy duty though or draw blood.

One of the things about DS that is most exciting for me, in fact, is a woman who is very good at figuring out the things that I hate and then doing them to me.

And yes, for me, punishment should sometimes be exciting. Exciting and also unpleasant and effective. I don’t find these at all contradictory.

Corner time won’t do it for me, because for me that’s just boring and it’s not something I will make a big effort to avoid. Holding a dime pressed against the wall with my nose makes it a little more satisfying, because there’s an element of humiliation in that. Humiliation is, for me, a very good thing to include in punishment. Ideally, to be punished is to be shamed. There is a shame in the fact that I have been bad or forgetful or whatever and am being punished for it.

Writing lines is something I don’t think I’ve ever actually done. It might work, depending on the content (it should be something stupid and humiliating) and the attitude of the dominant. If she just takes a quick look at it, then I think this would not really be good, because it would be too easily for me to think, “Okay, so I have to write ‘I will be a good slave’ a hundred times. Boring, but I can do that easily enough.” But if she examines it closely and punishes me for all the places where I left out a word or misspelled it or my writing was illegible, then that might work.

When I played for a while with a woman who really liked water sports, I eventually learned to be willing to drink piss. But I still find it quite distasteful, and for me there’s something very oppressive about having a water bottle filled with piss sitting nearby and knowing that any time I screw up a little I’m going to have to drink a swallow of it.

Oppressive is good. That’s the feeling of compulsion that really makes a scene work for me. The feeling that I have no choice but to do what I’m required to and to do it perfectly.

Licking a woman’s boots is no big deal, as far as I’m concerned. Not difficult and not exciting. But I was once playing with a femdomme when there was a male top present, and after ordering me to kiss her shoe, which I had no problem with, she ordered me to kiss his boots. (This was a woman who really knew what all my buttons were!) And I was very very happy when he objected because he had just very thoroughly shined the boots, so she had me do something else instead. So I think that requiring me to give a male’s boots a thorough going-over with my tongue would be a punishment that I would do everything possible to avoid.

One can make the punishment fit the crime. If a sub forgets to put the toilet seat down, for instance, then have him hold his head over the bowl and shove it in, holding it down in there for maybe half a minute. He’s not likely to forget again. (Obviously this is not a good thing to do if you use one of those cleaners that colors the water blue.)

For me, anyway, a really good scolding can be a very effective punishment, if done well. The sort of scolding that belittles the person. A thorough “dressing down.” The sort of scolding that an army drill sargeant would give, although it doesn’t need to be done in a loud tone of voice.

Obviously TammyJo and I are attracted by very different kinds of play. Now let me comment more specifically on a few things where from my perspective she has missed the point.

A dominant can inflict on me even the most drastic sort of punishment just because she wants to, and it’s very exciting to me to know that she can do such a dreadful thing to me merely for her amusement. Of I might even pay her to do that, because I want to know what the experience is like. But that’s different from punishment.

The prodomme who ordered me to brush my teeth with soap didn’t do it as a punishment. She had told me that she had often had fantasies about washing a slave’s mouth out with soap, but had never felt that it would be okay to do. And I told her that I would be okay with her doing that to me. So the next time I saw her, she did, and I was glad to have the chance to find out what it was like, but it was quite dreadful and experiencing it once was quite enough.

If I’d gone on seeing her, and if she started doing that frequently, I would not have liked it. I would have dreaded it. Every time I went to see her, I would have been thinking, “Oh, God, I hope she’s not going to put soap in my mouth again,” because, as I’ve mentioned, it takes about half a day to get rid of that damned soap taste. But it would have also been exciting to know that she had the power to do something to me which I hated that much. But in order for something like this to work, I have to know that the dominant is really getting off on doing it. If I start getting the feeling that for her it’s routine, just a part of her shtick, then I start thinking, “Why should I let someone do something like this to me?”

But that’s different from punishment. The excitement, for me, in punishment lies in being punished, not in the physical sensation or psychological distastefulness. It’s the excitement of knowing that I have no choice but to obey.

If this same dominant had ever punished me for speaking out of turn by soaping my mouth, that would have been 100% effective. From that time forward, I would never have spoken a word during one of our scenes unless given permission, now matter how much I wanted to say something. And knowing that I was so completely controlled in this way would have been very satisfying to me.

But if I did, some time in the future, speak even one word out of turn and she had let that pass, then some of the energy would have been lost from our relationship.

I was once in a relationship with a woman where we did a certain amount of DS. She whipped me from time to time, very painfully but not nearly often enough (less than once a month), and sometimes I complained about the fact that she didn’t whip me more often.

One evening she gave me a thorough whipping, and afterwards asked, “Do you know why I whipped you tonight?” I had no idea, and she said, “The other day you were sitting in your chair reading a magazine and I was talking to you and you just kept reading your magazine. I don’t like that. When I’m talking to you I want your one hundred per cent attention.”

Now even though this punishment was no different from many other times I had been whipped, and even though I actually would have preferred her to whip me more often, it was still totally effective. From that time on, any time I was reading and she started talking to me, I put the magazine face down on the floor.

Now to tell the truth, to a large extent I was creating my own private fantasy situation here. I didn’t need to actually put the magazine down, I knew her well enough to know that she would have been completely satisfied if I’d simply looked up from it and maintained eye contact with her. (But I also know she did enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that I was so afraid of punishment that I was actually doing more than she would have required.) And in fact, if I’d chosen to ignore the punishment and not changed my behavior at all, I’m sure that she would have just essentially shrugged her shoulders. For her, I believe, the real satisfaction was in being able to punish me that one time, when she was in the mood. The fact that she actually changed my behavior was for her, I believe, a bonus.

But she got more than she would have really insisted on, because what we were doing was satisfying to both of us. I was able to make myself believe in what I actually knew was only a fantasy, namely that anytime I didn’t immediately lay the magazine down on the floor I would be whipped. And that gave both of us what we wanted.

Rest of discussion with comments by many.

Originally posted 2012-10-12 07:12:14.

Why Submissive Men Think They Want Cruel Women

The Craving for Sadistic Bitches

Cruel Sadistic Girls

I certainly had to deal with his in myself. My guess is that it is the pressure of living too long in fantasy. The more one’s desire remains unfulfilled the crazier your imagination gets.

I am increasingly frustrated in my search for a new submissive male. It seems like my choices are inexperienced men who may or may not turn out to be submissive, or the experienced ones all seem to want the cruel, sadistic, bitch type of Mistress. I am not exactly sure why this is, but my guess is the only role models our culture has for strong women are those who are considered bitches. The perception is powerful women are ruthless, self absorbed, tough and driven. Why does dominance have to equal bitchiness? While I am doing a scene I am demanding, which could be considered bitchy. I am sadistic and mean by intent, as part of a process, but that is not who I am as a person. I am capable, strong, intense, assertive, and confident. I have been told I can be bossy or controlling, but those are not traits I wish to emulate. I am for the most part warm, caring and nurturing; does this make me less dominant? I

Why do submissive men want bitches?

Originally posted 2011-01-09 20:03:22.