Life isn’t a Fetish Party
That BDSM is ever so slowly coming out of the closet should be good for young submissive guys. Munch groups and fetish parties should prove venues at which they can finally actualize their erotic need for submission. But even in kink the tendency is for the lowest common denominator, the most banal and venal impulses to find expression.
Too much of fetish venue subculture seems to aim for the male to convert himself into machine for fulfilling cliché desires. Demanding that men master oddball minor skills is as rotten and silly as expecting dominant women to conduct life in PVC and leather.
I have to confess that part of me wants to see heterosexual men exploited by women in the context of “ha ha, you deserve it!” But even if they are hostage to their hormones they should have better. Really they need to experience miserable submission if they are going to wake up to reality.
Since most dominant women will never attend a fetish party and remain ignorant of the stereotypes - other perhaps than things they are averse to - a submissive man should seek to become more keenly aware of womankind, humankind, in general.
You may see yourself slaving away from sunrise to sunset. She’s probably thinking of someone who is fun to be around. A guy who wants to be bossed about 24/7 is pretty damned time-consuming.
Well … that makes ordinary time spent with the beloved sound awful. Those quiet times should be as good as any other. Submissive guys read porn and imagine it is all whippings, cunnilingus and being caged. Really it is hanging out, listening to music and being affectionate.
What special skill do you need? Being an agreeable human being. There will be many hours between whippings and clothespins and most will want to spend them pleasantly.
Once you are in a power exchange romance you’ll find - as we all do - that the real skill is in coping with the tedious, ordinary hours. And that coping with the quotidian is the greatest challenge and skill of them all.
Look for a dominant woman to like. Maybe to love if you are lucky. The submission is a given. Pleasure in her person will fill in all the details.
See also: The Lifestyle
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January 29th, 2008 at 12:46 am
You’re right of course.
Though one can’t help but at least try to become part machine since the only (semi) accessible dominant women are those in the subculture.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Very well said, Richard. Pretty much everybody feels the pressure of these idealistic stereotypes; those who have working relationships have managed to cast off those stereotypes. While that special someone may be dominant or submissive, that person is first and foremost a *person*. Their role within bdsm is only one facet of many which make up who that person is. Ignoring all the other aspects of that person is rude.
February 3rd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Richard, I think you’ve made some good points. I thoroughly agree that submissives and dominants are people, and should remember to act like it.
The skills I value in submissives are, for the most part, the skills I value in general, as habits in human beings that I find more agreeable. Although I do think formal service and pain processing are neat and fun, there are other ‘life skills’ that are more important, and other skills and talents that are bigger relationship perks than bootblacking. For life skills, I think of things like being able to balance a budget, to have a witty conversation, to write a decent letter, and to keep your scheduled commitments. For perks, I think of being able and willing to fix my computer or to do my taxes. As I think about it, perhaps formal service is just a variation within a skill I value in general: good manners.
February 4th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
If the submissive simply puts aside his specific desires, and embraces his general desire to be in a FLR, I don’t think there would be much of a problem. If you are in a good relationship, and indicate to your girl friend or wife that you have submsisive desires and would like to obey her, then perhaps you can try it out. If she loves you, it won’t hurt her to try, and the first time a conflict arises and you don’t argue with her and accept her decision, she might like that. It’s not about insisting that you do her nails. It’s about having the same relationship you’ve always had, except that you will obey her from now on. She may never tell you to do something, or she might wonder if you are serious, and try it out. Just obey her if she does and forget about it. Perhaps she’ll try it a few more times, out of curiosity, and see how you enjoy obeying her, and will feel empowered by it and how happy it makes you. It doesn’t cost her anything. As time goes by, she might learn to enjoy it, and begin assinging you work so she doesn’t have to do it. If she does, then do the work willingly, and if she asks if you enjoy it, tell her the truth. Since you are in a FLR, she will have total control over whether she ever tells you to obey her or not. That’s the whole point of a FLR. It’s always going to be what she wants, since what she wants is what you want, and what you will do.
I think many more women would accept being in a FLR if it truly was a FLR, where she was the one to decide if and when you would obey her, and you never pressed her, and were satisfied because you were in a FLR, regardless of whether she exercised her power or not.
September 11th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I think alot of men want things both ways. They want a FLR on their own terms. This of course contradicts what FLR is! I’ve read so many posts on different sites (BDSM, CFNM, Ballbusting etc) basically fetishes that are supposed to be about the woman and yet these men make it all about them. No wonder there are so few women posting on these sorts of sites, I think most women just see it as yet another male sex thing.