Many of the female led relationship blogs have grown silent. The husband met frustration and failure in his effort to convince his wife to take the reins of the marriage in her hands and treat him as vassal and subject.
Some of these tales were very sad. The man would acquire, say, a CB2000 and sought to get his wife to become his chastity keyholder. Sometimes the wife might oblige but only in unimpassioned, barely interested fashion. Only to please him when he wanted control of his sexuality to please her.
Or he’d buy a collar only to discover that she remained dead to the symbolism.
The wife would be at best tolerant; at worst disgusted in the change she saw in the man she married.
He’d try waiting on her hand and foot, hoping to win her over to loving female authority by stealth submission. There are people out there who preach that as sure means of conversion. Indeed the rhetoric of FLR at times can be terrifyingly pious as if it were a religion like Scientology.
That a woman can be converted to FLR if you only find the right method is as foolish as the idea that a lesbian hasn’t met the right man.
I could never think of any way to comfort or advise these men.
Originally posted 2008-05-15 12:00:43.
These types always cease to amaze me.
A strong, confident man gets married. Then, he starts acting weak, even afraid of her, and suddenly has no opinions of his own. Oh, yeah, that’ll make her melt for sure.
I do think it’s possible to turn some people on to bdsm even if they’re vanilla, since I used to be vanilla and was turned on to bdsm by someone I was with. But it happens through honest communication and going slowly, as well as eliminating popular misconceptions. It’s tricky, and it doesn’t work for everyone. But for a handful of people, it can work. Trying to trick someone into it (like some of these guys do) strikes me as deceitful and disrespectful.
After many yrs of dating men I finally made the decision to be a “lady’s lady” The emotional hurt I’ve sufferd from men was just too much to bear. I do now have a new girlfriend (just friends so far) but she’s so nice to me I’m wondering if there is some sinister plot lurking in her mind! Gosh! I feel “equal” in her eyes! it’s a wonderful feeling! she’s complimentry, considerate, opens doors for me but tells me “your my toy baby” and we laugh. it’s fun and actually refreshing for me, compared to the crap I had to pretend when dating men.
Well, I recently had a bad run in with a femdon club leader. That experiance kind of made me seek out a fourm like this.
The story goes like this; I was cking out “ponyplay” sites. cute fantasy! (dressing up in bondage and acting like a pony) giggle. After I made a number of posts on a ponygirl site this misstriss contacted me. Her emails were very friendly forthcoming. She invited me to Washington DC to a ponyplay show and femdom gathering. Now, I’m not really perceived as submissive. (I was thinking if I’m going to be playing in this ponygirl thing I may be) On the other hand I’m slightly taller then many of my genetic counterparts. I’m self employed and men work for me. Also my biz is non traditional for women. I’ve never considered myself dominant when I was male, and in the past 25 yrs as female I never thought I was either. Anyway.. I was suddenly thrust back to the 70s when TSwomen were scorned and hated by femdom women! The misstriss was in high preistess mode I guess.. I felt like dogmeat! Not a guest. The “friendly person” that invited me was gone.. All there was, was a woman going off on semantics.. near every word and sentence was about power, domme and subs. The femdom club group had about 45 women and about 7 crossed dressed men, and dozens of sub men. All ok for them, but not me. Apparently, none there had ever met a “successful” tswoman like me! duh? So I was totally misjudged. Even though I enjoyed the ponyplay show I left. feelings hurt.
I never expected to be treated like dogmeat. But considering the environment I was in that night, it should have been expected.
Any way.. in all this role play about women leading, men being sub, femdomme, role reversal etc.. where do i fit in? Don’t know! Don’t care!
femdomme would call me sub I guess. Society calls it transsexual. Me? I think I am what men percieve femdomme would do to men if it were unchecked. not true of course. But since I’m totally feminized and live as female, with female appearing anotomy it would be the logical conclusion.
Now my feelings about professional dominant women is they still serve males. it’s all about the male being dommed, subbed, humiliated, bound, but in the end he gets off and she gets off doing it I suppose. really don’t want to find out!
Personally I don’t need to be treated like that. just being a girlfriend is a rush!
Glad I found this forum!
Denise
its surprising to me that you would try to fit such a stereotypical female role after having to live as a male and feeling the guilt of changing over. denise.
It’s all in the packaging. Not all, but most women would love to lead their marriage. They want the husband to remain as the symbolic head, but as my daughter puts it, “I’m the head of the house, but mom is the neck and she controls what the head does.”
Buying chastity devices or collars or a paddle without already having her in charge of the relationship is a recipe for disaster. She’ll see herself as incapable of meeting your needs, your needs as too demanding or extreme, and your attractiveness will go to zero.
Baby steps all the way. Don’t even discuss a FLR; just do it. Assume all those responsibilities that were hers. Make it a point to cater to her. Expect nothing in return. When it comes to sex, if she likes oral, go down on her. Bring her to orgasm and then let her decide to reciprocate. Keep doing that every time you make love and never complain if she doesn’t feel like intercourse or anything else. If she wants to cuddle then cuddle, letting her feel your erection. If she offers you a hand job instead of intercourse or fellatio, jump at it.
What all this buys you is time for her to think. Free time allows her to notice how nice it is you’re doing everything. The selflessness you display when you make love will make her feel adored. She will find herself leading the relationship without ever hearing the term FLR.
And with all that freedom she’ll be in a better mood and more openminded. You won’t have made yourself into a wimp, but a devoted husband.
As the old saying goes, “You can lead a horse to water …”
The bottom line is, if your wife or girlfriend does not want to be in charge, then there is nothing you can do to make her take charge without putting a strain on the relationship.
The best you can do is get her to explore the possibilities. This depends on your (as in both of you) ability to communicate. You could try to “trick” her into it by presenting situations and hoping she picks up on it. This may work. However women can be as dense as men. She may not understand what you are trying to do.
If you are confident enough to stand rejection and you are sure your relationship is otherwise strong, then talk to her. There are several key points:
First impress upon her that you trust her enough to tell her your most intimate secrets. The conversation is not a criticism. You do not love her less if she doesn’t take charge. The fact that you are telling her these things means you love her enough to let her deeper into yourself.
Next impress upon her that you are asking only one thing: that she try to understand your feelings. You are not asking her to actually DO or change anything.
Dispel the myths. Maybe you do want her to wear a black leather corset and hip-high stiletto boots and beat you with a whip. If so, good luck trying to bring her from “vanilla” to “kink” in 4.5 seconds. Chances are you want something a lot smaller. There is nothing unusual, kinky, bad, abnormal, degrading, or otherwise evil about a FLR. It is as natural as any other part of your relationship.
Talk feelings and relationship rather than specific acts. If you want her to take charge, then you should not be scripting her and ordering her about like the director of a porno film. There will be times to work out details after the basics are accepted.
Take what you can get. There will be things that she will never do. There will be things you will never do (limits). First of all, limits change over time. Secondly, concentrate on what you agree you can do togehter rather than your differences. You can have a lot of fun doing the agreed upon things.
Women are amazing creatures. If she understands your feelings and if she loves you, she will make an accommodation for them. She will do what she can do. You must celebrate these victories. Let her know that you do appreciate even the smallest concession. As she gets more comfortable in her role, she will most likely expand it on her own initiative.
Submission is not for wimps. You have to have the confidence to bare your feelings to her. You have to have faith that she will accept them. You need to be prepared for rejection and ridicule. You need to assess whether the revelation will jeopardize the relationship. You need to ask if you love kink more than you love her. You need to know her well enough to know if she will blush with admiration at your confession or go running, shrieking into the night screaming “pervert,” never to be seen again.
Above all, always encourage, but don’t press. Respect her ability to make up her own mind on this matter.
I am very impressed and would like to thank Miguel and Mule very much. This is the type of thing I have been looking for. Serious talk with honest information. My wife and I are still working on things. I have done everything you two have suggested except the time thing. I wanted it yesterday and only get a little. I could net ubderstand what I was doing wrong. I explained everything to her in a loveing way and thought I have not pushed, but I must be. She does play the game a little and thinking about it she is coming around more and more over time. It is just so slow that untill I read this and got thinking, I never noticed. Thanks Again.
wife conversiton take place with male acceptance of his position. Make love, lick her clean and tell her you love her. All else falls into place
Anything involving dedication of the human spirit in a lifelong pursuit can be considered a religion, so people shouldnt be afraid of the word ‘religion’ or indeed spirituality. Their is nothing more worthy of worship then the Female, she is attractive to the male, she creates life and feeds and protects the young.
Plenty of people will fail at achieving happiness in an FLR but to associate this with failure of the ideology is the equivilant of calling the earth flat.
Individuals should be using motivation to walk thru life, not just following other people’s instructions – as that just shields their true motivation and lets it get clouded by the various negative influences that human nature exerts. When people talk about Female Led Relationship’s they should be talking about a desired state, a goal and their efforts to and in achieving it. These things then constitute information in support of the motivation – some will work, some will not. None of these instructions are babyfood which will meet your immediate desire, rather we are talking about adult human development which embraces a superior gender relationship. Do Mistress and slaves have arguments, yes, should they, ideally no but in all relationships emotion is the glue which holds it together so it is ok to get emotional – what is important is your motivation to worship and support the Female gender at all times as much as possible given the circumstances at anyone time.
from being eeir motivationotherwise you are denying the true nature of the motivation.
It is an interesting topic. Women, in my experience, simply do not have fetishes or sexual compulsions in the same sense that men do. I suspect most men in female lead relationships have had to explain, in some detail, the basis of such a relationship. Now, that said, it can be done.
My own case may be helpful. I am a bit of a switch but find the submissive role more compatible with a busy business life. For some years, when I was not so busy, I played the dominant with regular Saturday night spankings (which she hated) and lots of “because I want to” sex for my own pleasure (which she rather liked as I almost always brought her to orgasm after I was satisfied.)
To switch the scenario I suggested that there was good evidence (which there is) that the endorphins released during a good hard spanking helped stabilize moods and allow focus. I needed a lot of focus and, in a matter of a week or two, she was swinging the bath brush with delighted abandon and my weekly ration of endorphins was at an all time high.
From there it was not terribly difficult to suggest that I had been selfish in my sexual demands and that, perhaps, it made more sense for her to take her pleasure and leave me on the brink. A baby step from that was the idea that I not come without her permission and that this permission be granted sparingly.
Now our routine is for me to gently put her to sleep with a back rub and orgasm – vibrator, digital or orally if she wants it and then kneel beside her bed until she says good night. In the morning I go back to kneeling beside her bed carrying her bath brush and a tiny cast iron Japanese tea cup in case I am permitted to come. The brush to cup ratio has settled at a pleasant 3:1 with nothing at all happening at least three days a week and, of course, for the duration of her period.
I suspect it goes without saying that for the next few years I will not be taking her over my knee of a Saturday evening; but she has developed a fondness for the cane before I am allowed to serve her.
We are discussing a strap-on. Both for my further humiliation and because she enjoys the sensation of being filled but is not willing to risk my having an unearned orgasm.
Delightful.