Are Labels Libels?
A woman writes of her lover::
A couple of folks were chatting with Philip this evening about our relationship. They were wanting him to define it for them.
Just about all he could do was assert that he wasn’t a slave, and he wasn’t owned.
We’ve never tried to define it in current yet ever changing kink terms to fit the masses. He submits to me. He can say no if he wants to. I’ll generally do what I want to do any way, and he’ll generally say…see what saying no got me?
I listen to tone of course.
I watch his eyes and for his own small signs of personal discomfort with a given situation.
I try to be reasonable, unless I’m playing SDS on him.
He’s got the option of opting out of anything at any time, all he has to do is safeout.
I say he’s mine, he says he’s mine, past that there is no set structure or protocol. It just doesn’t seem to be needed.
Since it has occurred to me that an especially moving BDSM experience with Alexandra might be called poetry or music and not scening this distinction hit me:
One of the things I’ve often noted in this sort of discussion is that there are people who speak in a poetry of romantic ambience,
about feelings and desires and emotional connections, and there are people who speak in a prose of details and obligations and contigencies (my native tongue).
I am in a full time D/s based relationship now. At different times I am
his submissive, his slave, his bottom, his friend, his lover, his mate …
well, you get the idea. We are so many things to one another; I love the
complexity of our relationship.
When I was starting out, the labels and classifications were a pretty big deal to me. It was a little overwhelming, so it was nice to have pigeonholes to put
everything into. It was comforting. It became obvious pretty quickly, though,
that there was no real concensus about these things. One person’s “slave” was
another’s “submissive”. There were lists and categories of this that or the
other thing – “Nine Levels of…” or “10 Rules For…” but they were
oversimplified, and one rarely agreed with another, and I found I didn’t
totally agree with any of them.
Labels are shortcuts for communication, and that’s their main purpose. They
can become oppressive (and, I think, a bit dangerous) when they become
avatars for some ideal state (i.e. the occasional ‘you ain’t no true slave’
crap that appears here from time to time).
Labels are sometimes convenient to help us identify with a group
of people. They can also be nasty generalisations that folk use
Do you mean that people attach labels like ’24/7′ and ‘lifestyle’
in order to make it seem that they are a greater Dom/sub or that there
relationship is more real, more intense than anybody else. I think that
some certainly do and this creates an impression that this has to be the
aim for everybody or else you will never be a proper Dom/sub.
You see plenty of labelling like this in personal ads, but it’s
pretty meaningless without further qualification, because it means so
many different things to different people.
… I don’t blame a lot of the blogger’s for disappearing or hiding when the answer they give are not the answers the reader wants to hear. or they are burnt out from the derivative thoughts and opinions. And its also no wonder why there are so many fakers. I get it now you have to fit the Femdom mould in order to belong. and after all doesn’t every one want to belong. …
We really need a special insulting term for psuedo-doms male and female. You know the type: guy’s only in it for the blowjobs, gal’s only in it to get her housework done for her? People who are users who are totally uninterested in the art and the subculture of BDSM. They don’t have years of experience: they have the same damn year over and over. How about “duminant”?
Benchmarking and labeling – The biggest problem in BDSM is the tendency, many people have, to find benchmarks and label others. Since BDSM is a very personal thing, the truth is that every relationship and every emotion is personal, hence different from others. There are no benchmarks and labels do not really help either. True dominants and submissives do not excist. In fact there probably are not even good or bad doms or subs. They are just different.
Originally posted 2014-04-19 21:32:40.