BDSM Sans Eroticism
I posted this elsewhere about five years ago. I still think that kink and fetish whether F/m, M/f, F/f, M/m has an erotic root.
Sexuality embraces far more than coitus or orgasms. I find expressing submissiveness, being whipped completely satisfying experiences in themselves. But my power exchange and S&M orientation stems from my erotic nature. It is an inextricable component.
Some submissive men (the person quoted below not included) try to make their submissiveness nonsexual as a way of making it morally pure. False sexual purity belongs in the graveyard of hypocrisy.
From an ongoing discussion of D/s on usenet:
I can’t imagine asexual D/s. Or at least BDSM that is wholly divorced from eroticism.
As someone who is also asexual, I thought I’d offer my perspective on this too.
Firstly the BDSM. For me at least, as a bottom/submissive/switch, the key element is sensation play. Whilst I do enjoy various elements of eroticism within that, it’s certainly not the main reason why I enjoy BDSM.
The caress of a flogger, the sting of a single-tail, the depth of inner peace from a well executed scene that has both the mind and body tingling with pleasure. These are the things that I enjoy the most. On occasions where sexual stimulation has been part of the scene, I found that it often conflicted with any sensation of well-being, to the extent of breaking down sub-space, rather than enhancing it. For me, it has to be either sensation play or sexual play, but not necessarily both together.
I’m not sexually attracted to any particular gender, will happily play with anyone, whatever their gender, and I can watch or participate in many scenes without the least sign of arousal.
Indeed, when I was first collared by a Mistress, I was permitted the privilege of shaving her genital area, which had absolutely no erotic effect on me. Later in that same relationship I was involved in some very intensely sexual scenes, but purely from an observational aspect, with the ‘threat’ that I’d be punished if I were to become aroused during those scenes. Little did she realise at the time, that it wasn’t the perceived ‘threat’ that kept me from any state of arousal. Yes, it was interesting and indeed fascinating to watch, but on the arousal scale it did nothing for me at all.
Asexual D/s is much the same. In the three D/s partnerships I’ve had, sex has never been part of, or even the objective of the relationship. It’s been the pleasure of giving part of myself for the pleasure of the Mistress I was serving, with rewards for good behaviour etc. Usually those rewards consisted of sensation play or mind games, either in a club environment or occasionally in private scenes. On occasions where punishment was deemed necessary, those rewards would be withheld. The fact that sex wasn’t on the menu, never once spoiled my enjoyment of either her company or the scenes we did.
At a private club event a couple of years ago, after a fairly intense scene I arrived at the buffet table to get some well earned food for my play partner & myself. Standing next to me was a naked young lady, also getting some food. That moment just seemed so surreal – here I was, in a situation that many of the male population would sell their souls for, and yet was so natural and casual, and for me at least, not at all erotic or arousing – just nice.
As an asexual, I do however, find it a fascinating situation to be in, surrounded on all sides by sex and sexual scenarios, whilst having little or no interest in that aspect myself. If anything, I feel it adds to the trust that I’ve built up over the years, that even in highly charged sexual situations, I’m safe person to have around.
Angela St. Lawrence’s comment prompted this entry elsewhere: Asexuals and Masturbation.